Carolers always bring a change of heart in traditional Christmas stories. In Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas, the Grinch realized the true meaning of Christmas when he heard the citizens of Whoville break out in song, even if he did steal their presents. In A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens, Mister Scrooge became nice to the carolers he scorned and spurned when he was visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve. Wouldn't you want to be the next cranky, crochety old crock who would be inspired by Christmas cheer and Yuletide goodwill?

 

Well, no: there are many reasons to hate Christmas, and carolers may very well be on top of your list. Many door-to-door carolers are out-of-tune, self-proclaimed ambassadors of goodwill, but engage in holiday extortion just a few weeks after Halloween. They keep on jingling their bells on this holy night, and don't sound anything like those angels you have heard on high. When they come wishing you a merry Christmas, all you want to do with them is to roast their chestnuts over an open fire (Learn how to cook chestnuts).

 

Getting rid of carolers is not easy, especially if they're persistent or if everyone else in the neighborhood like Christmas carols. Here are some polite, crazy, and outrageous ways to get rid of them.

 

Polite Ways To Get Rid of Carolers

No matter how much you despise carolers, they have feelings and may end up genuinely hurt if you turn them away disrespectfully. Here are some ways to get rid of them politely:

• Close your windows, doors, and lights when night falls. Carolers will assume that you're not at home, or you simply don't want to be disturbed.
• Post a "No Solicitation" sign on your gate or front door. Polite carolers will get the message and move to the next house.
• Tell them to leave your property. Be polite, but firm.

Crazy Ways To Get Rid of Carolers

Sometimes carolers insist on spreading Christmas cheer, or mooching a few dollars off your miserly wallet. Things don't have to descend into wild-eyed violence and bloodshed, but there are many other ways that you can discourage carolers from spreading joy to your world:

• Stand inside your house at night, facing the window to the lawn. Carry a shotgun or an axe, and watch the carolers scurry away.
• When the carolers start singing "Do You Hear What I Hear," let out the loudest possible fart you can make. If your flatulent powers aren't up to par, turn up your stereo and play albums by Marilyn Manson, Jane's Addiction, Slayer, Slipknot, or The Misfits.
• Play loud and annoying music (Rundown all the music in the Top ten hilariously bad music videos of all time) whenever the carolers sing in their angelic falsettos. Some favorites include polka, disco, and dance crazes. You can also try old country music (Play all the songs sung by the artists in the Top ten country music artists of the world) and the very best hits of Michael Bolton or Paul Anka.
• Place a flaming paper bag filled with dog feces on your own front doorstep. Chances are that one of them will step on it. If that doesn't work, they'll be repulsed with the smell of flaming dog poo.
• Sing Christmas carols with the group, but do it in your best death metal or heavy metal voice.
• Wear a mask, a suede fedora, a worn Christmas sweater, and a glove with iron claws. Perform your best Freddy Krueger impersonation.
• Give them a $50 donation in pennies. Count the amount out one penny at a time.
• If you don't like giving away money, give them a lump of coal or two.
• Pretend that you're drunk from eggnog. Tell everyone that you have had a vision from up above, and Santa Claus really does exist. Hug the carolers one by one and greet them "Happy Fourth of July."
• Dress in drag, answer the front door, and perform your best rendition of "Santa Baby."

Outrageous Ways to Get Rid of Carolers (and Christmas Itself)

Sometimes the best way to get rid of carolers is to get rid of the season that spreads the virus of good cheer. Without Christmas, carolers will have no reason to hark for the herald and the angels sing. Here are some outrageous and outlandish ways to get rid of Christmas:

• Write a letter to Santa telling him that you held Rudolph hostage, and that you're setting him free provided that he frees his elves from slavery at the workshop at the North Pole.
• Write to the United Nations telling them to declare war on the insurgent flying reindeer that violate international agreements on airspace.
• Post a video on YouTube with you singing beloved Christmas carols with your own hip hop or dance remix.
• Start ranting about how Christmas is a capitalist device used by cultural imperialists to commercialize a debatable Biblical assertion that is neither fact nor fiction. Continue your rant by saying that Christmas carols devalue the so-called "Christmas spirit" because they glorify random objects. Way before you're halfway done with your rant, the carolers will back off and never bother you again.

Christmas may be a season for giving, joy, and love, but it doesn't have to be that way for everyone. If carolers come upon too many midnights clear, and refuse to stay silent just for one night, you have to get rid of them. Never mind that Christmas may be a "Bah, humbug" moment to you, but you're rest assured that no caroler will ever come by your house again with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole. If you're entertained reading this article, you'll be entertained to read 57 different ways to say Merry Christmas, too.