There are chestnuts roasting over an open fire, and four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie. From windows you can see turkeys, ducks and geese, and delicious cherry pies. There may even be red striped candy and nut cracker candy. Then there’s the fruitcake. Great, now what?
Fruitcake is perhaps the most misunderstood staple of the Holiday season. Fruitcake tastes really good and keeps very well, and some people feel it’s a shame that some people ignore and despise the dessert. The problem is that people receive far more fruitcakes than they can consume. Fruitcakes from friends, fruitcakes made by family members, and fruitcakes given away by companies on holidays all add up to the fruitcakes ignored during the Holidays. It’s a waste to get rid of all the fruitcake you can’t eat, but you can only eat so much fruitcake before you grow tired of it. Here are some fun and creative ways to get rid of fruitcake.
Why People Don’t Like Fruitcake
In many parts of the world, fruitcake is considered a traditional Holiday dish. Many people do enjoy the delectable goodness of the dense cake, mixed with dried fruit and nuts. Fruitcake keeps very well; there are cakes that last for as long as a year, and are still good to consume. Many fruitcakes, however, are not eaten and are just left somewhere in the kitchen until someone notices them and throws them away. Here are some reasons why a lot of fruitcakes go uneaten during the Holiday season:
- Personal taste. Fruitcakes made in other parts of the world are light and fluffy, and are not meant to be preserved. Many fruitcakes in the United States are dense and compact compared to other fruitcakes, and are meant to be stored for a long time. Fruitcake is also an acquired taste, especially for ones made with fruit-flavored liquor.
- Stand-up comedy. Comedians like Johnny Carson and Jay Leno made light of the average fruitcake during their Holiday comedy routines. Many comedians have made and boosted their careers because of fruitcake jokes. While they’re meant to be funny, the fruitcake has become an object of much ridicule over the years.
- Too many fruitcakes. Often it’s not the flavor of fruitcake that’s the turnoff for most people, but the number of fruitcakes that they receive during the Holiday season. As good as a fruitcake may taste, you can only eat enough fruitcake for Christmas. Two or three fruitcakes are usually enough, but some people get as much as a dozen fruitcakes come December. Some people may also think that the gift of a store-bought, ready-to-eat fruitcake is quite unthoughtful and insensitive.
Giving Fruitcake Away
One way that you can get rid of fruitcake is to give it away. As much as you don’t like to eat fruitcake, it’s still food that shouldn’t go to waste. You can only imagine poor and hungry people who don’t have much to eat for Christmas dinner, much less have the luxury of getting rid of a fruitcake. To make the best of the Christmas holidays, here are some people who could make good use of the fruitcake you plan to throw away:
- Runaways. As much as you don’t like fruitcake, it’s still a sweet treat that can be enjoyed by children who don’t have candy canes, chocolates, and licorice sticks for Christmas. Before you do anything crazy with a dozen fruitcakes, check out your neighborhood to see if there’s a raggedy runaway kid who would really and truly appreciate the fruitcake more than you do.
- Charity and soup kitchens. If you don’t believe in begging and panhandling, the best route for your pay-it-forward fruitcake are the many charities and soup kitchens that open during the Christmas season.
- Your own worst enemy. If you wouldn’t wish a gift of a fruitcake on your own worst enemy, now is a good time to reconsider. You may want to give your worst enemy all the fruitcake you don’t want to eat, especially if you’re feeling like a naughty Grinch on Christmas. Now that he or she has dozens of fruitcakes, getting rid of them is no longer your problem.
Now that you have a dozen or so fruitcakes that pretty much came from the same store, the question is how you’re going to dispose of them. If you’ve given away fruitcakes you received from last week and still have a whole lot of company-sponsored fruitcakes to get rid of, here are some fun ways to play with them:
- Fruitcake and Basketball Court. If you have a fruitcake the size of a regulation basketball, then you can turn it into a basketball. You can have a free-throw shootout at the half-court in front of your garage using the fruitcakes you have left over from the Holidays. Once the fruitcakes hit the backboard, the hoop, or the tile floor, you can then sweep the crumbs and throw them away.
- Fruitcake and Backyard Football. If you’re wondering where your football is, or if you’re just not in the mood to go look for it, you can use the excess Christmas fruitcakes for backyard football. While the idea of catching a dense and heavy fruitcake sounds unsafe, a flying fruitcake passed from ten yards away wouldn’t hurt anybody. The only disadvantage to using a fruitcake as a football is that your hands can get really sticky.
- Fruitcake and Catapult or Cannon. If you have a catapult or a pumpkin cannon handy, you can chuck the fruitcake as far as it will go. Make sure that you’ve aimed the cannon at a safe point on the horizon, just to make sure that a dense and compact fruitcake wouldn’t knock anyone unconscious.
- Fruitcake and Sledgehammer. Some commercially available fruitcakes are so hard that they just beg to be hit with a heavy tool, like say, a sledgehammer. You better hang on to the fruitcake if it happens to split the head of your sledgehammer into two, because you have a fruitcake for the ages in the palm of your hand.
- Fruitcake and Car. You may not have a steamroller parked inside your garage, but you can get rid of a few fruitcakes by running them over. Your wheels may get a bit sticky with candied fruit, but it’s a better option than allowing more fruitcakes to ruin your Holiday season.
Watch It Explode
One of the most reliable ways to get rid of anything is to just blow it into smithereens. Guns and explosives may not be the best way to get rid of a fruitcake, but it definitely gets rid of the unwanted fruitcake in a snap. Here are two ways that you can get rid of fruitcakes using guns and explosives. Remember that you need to do them safely to prevent serious injuries:
- Fruitcake and Gun. They say that absolute power comes from the barrel of a gun, and it’s no exception when it comes to all your unwanted fruitcakes. Simply aim a pistol, a rifle, or a shotgun loaded with pellets or empty cartridges and shoot at the fruitcake at a safe distance. It will take a while before the fruitcake gets shot to bits, but it does get the job done just fine.
- Fruitcake and Explosives. It has finally come to this: the absolute obliteration of that one gift almost everyone gives, but almost no one wants to receive. A blasting cap, primer, a small amount of explosive, and a fuse is all you need to light that fruitcake up and send it to Kingdom Come. Watching the fruitcake explode into indescribable bits of Holiday awesomeness is not the best way to get rid of the gift, but it does help release all your frustrations of getting so many of them for years.
Remember that when you do get rid of a fruitcake, you have to consider the feelings of the person who made it for you. Homemade fruitcakes take a lot of time and patience to prepare, and you may end up insulting the friend or family member who made that fruitcake for you. Yet if you do get a ton of store-bought fruitcakes come the Holidays, you now have these interesting ways to get rid of that one Holiday tradition that’s so bad, nobody bothered making a Christmas carol for it.
Click here for more information on how to get rid of fruitcake.