We should say 101 (mostly) LEGAL ways. We won’t condone violence as a method for making your wife disappear. What we are talking about here are ways to dump your wife or get her to dump you. Individually, any one tip is unlikely to work; but used in combination, these should have you living alone in short order.
Of course, maybe not the easiest or the most fun, but the most sensible and, in the long term, the best for both of you is the usual:
- Tell her it’s been great fun but the relationship has just taken a bad turn and you’re not in love with her anymore. It’s best that both of you end it now and get on with your lives before it turns ugly (and if you’re both not trying to make it work, it will turn ugly). Hope that she understands and that you can have a divorce without rancor. (We have never seen one of those, but supposedly they do exist.)
The rest of our suggestions all assume there is some reason you can’t simply do this – perhaps she is so emotional it’s best to let her think she’s dumping you. Maybe you just want to be cruel. Most of these ideas will work for tenacious girlfriends, too, assuming you have the balls to pull them off :). (We hope you will send us your own ideas, maybe something that worked for you.)
The key to these gems is to perform them believably – don’t let her know that you’re trying to make her miserable or they will lose their effectiveness. You must employ them within the scope of your own personality so that they appear natural. And yes, if you really do these things, you are probably going to give the poor girl a complex.
Mess up the sex.
- Initiate sex from behind one evening, call her Bessie and tell her to “baaaaa” like a sheep or “moooo” like a cow. As you climax, make loud, angry monkey sounds.
- Register an X rated domain name with your wife’s name in it and let her find you turning it into a porn site about her.
- Repeatedly give her a venereal disease. (Don’t ask us where to get one)
- After fingering her, smell your fingers, grimace, and ask her to go take a shower.
- Become the most clumsy, horrible lover you can.
- Play with your dog during sex. If you don’t have a dog, toss a ball around or be eating pizza.
- In the middle of a night’s passion, jump up off the bed, run into the bathroom, and pretend to throw up.
- Allow her to catch you masturbating to gay porn.
- Laugh at her breasts during sex.
- Achieve orgasm as quickly as you can, every time you have sex. Then roll over and go to sleep immediately.
- Tell her you want to “be the woman”.
- Go from wanting sex almost every day to not wanting it at all. Give her the impression that you’re getting it elsewhere.
- Eat disgusting, smelly food like onions and garlic and try to make out with her.
- Tell all of her friends and family embarrassing stories about your sexual encounters.
Stop her from feeling good when she’s with you.
- The next time she says, “Does this new dress make my butt look fat?” tell her the only thing that could hide an ass that fat would be a burka, Size XXX Large.
- The next time she asks “How much do you love me?” reply “You know that thimble you use for your quilting? It would hold all of my love for you, darling, with some room left over.”
- Whenever she cooks something, take a single bite before slathering it with condiments. After you’re done, drop a few alka-seltzer tablets into a glass of water and say “That was almost delicious, honey. What was it?”
- Don’t do anything on St. Valentine’s Day. If she complains, reply “But sweetheart, we’re not even Catholic.” If you’re feeling especially cruel, buy two boxes of chocolate. Give one to your mother and eat the other one yourself in front of the TV.
- Ogle other women every chance you get, and don’t be subtle about it. When she says “Are you staring at that woman over there?!” you say “Just her breasts/butt/legs. Why don’t yours look that nice?”
- If it’s a formal occasion, and she’s wearing new shoes. Look down and remark “My God, I never realized before just how big your feet are!”
- End all sexual activity with her. Get used to using the phrase, “Not tonight dear, I’ve got (a headache/ a toothache/ scabies / a fantasy I want to work on alone).”
- Whenever she talks to you about anything, listen just long enough to understand what she wishes to talk about, then interrupt her with a story or monologue that takes an opposing viewpoint.
- Whenever she says “I love you,” reply “I think you’re okay, too.”
- If you don’t already have them, acquire a couple of best friends who despise your wife. Have them over to the house a lot and also go out to dinner with your wife as often as is feasible, but always inviting your friends to come along.
- Whenever the two of you are getting ready to go out, nag her continually about how long she is taking and then take at least 15 minutes longer yourself.
- Become such an outrageous liar that she never knows when to believe you. Say everything in a voice that’s somewhere between serious and sarcastic. When you say “I love you,” do it with such exaggeration and false enthusiasm that it keeps her guessing.
- If she’s overweight, never miss an opening for pointing it out to her in the most sarcastic way. When she backs up shout “Beeeep, beeeep, beeeep…” Memorize a batch of “fat” jokes. Use them.
- Force her to drive you everywhere and constantly criticize her driving skills. Gasp and grab at the dashboard every time the car in front’s brake lights come on. Remind her of every turn she needs to make even if you know she knows the way. Occasionally jump out of the car at stop lights and refuse to get back in unless she starts driving better.
- Eat lots of the foods that give you horrible gas (eat plenty of bean burritos, sauerkraut, garlic, blue cheese and drink copious amounts of beer.) and cut loose every time her face comes close to you. Make it a game with yourself to see how close you can get her face to your ass (unsuspectingly, of course).
- Got an artistic bent? Start concentrating on painting portraits of your wife – but in extremely unflattering poses and, though clearly recognizable as her, portrayed much uglier than she really is. Insist on hanging them around the house and giving the paintings to friends and relatives.
- When in bed at night, pretend to talk in your sleep and mumble semi-coherently about keeping an affair from your wife.
- Give her a not-so-flattering nickname. “Stubbles” or “Slam-Puppy”.
- Try to pick her nose. Stick your fingers in her mouth every time she yawns.
Piss her off as much as possible.
- Let her catch you reading this web page.
- For her birthday, knowing her hobby is quilting, buy her a complete home woodworking package, complete with band saw, lathe, and router. Tell her that she can now build the sunroom she’s always wanted. (Tips on how to build a sun room)
- Every time you go to a restaurant, pass the bill to her, saying “Don’t forget to leave a decent tip, I’ll be waiting outside.” Head for the car.
- When she opens up and talks to you about anything important to her, laugh in her face.
- Put all of the toilet seats in the ‘up’ position and superglue them to the toilet tank. Alternatively, you can remove them entirely and tell her that you sent them out for refinishing.
- When she stops complaining about the toilet seats and starts to accept things, start leaving them down but pee all over them. When she complains about that, leave a log sitting on the side.
- Insist on sitting in the back seat of the car. If she has long hair, stealthily tie or tangle a few strands around the headrest.
- For your anniversary, get her flowers. Hand pick a small spray of dandelions and lightly rub them on a fresh dog log.
- Bring home a bouquet of something she’s allergic to.
- Eat like a pig – a noisy slobbering pig. Stop using silverware and don’t say anything unless your mouth is stuffed with food.
- Invite your doting mother to visit for a month, the one who takes charge in the kitchen and everywhere else. Every time you have to go somewhere with your wife, invite mom to come along too.
- Tell her about the good times you had with your previous partners. If you have photos, that’s even better.
- Go to work early, come home late. Some nights, don’t even come home. Call and tell her you have to pull an all-nighter.
- Become good friends with all of her ex’s. Have them over a lot and exchange stories about her within earshot.
- Disagree with everything she says. If she says it’s hot, you say it’s comfortable; if she says it’s night, you say it’s late evening. Your annoying behavior will drive her either to murder you or run away.
- Affect a French accent. Use it all the time. Except during sex. During sex, talk like Speedy Gonzalez.
- Every time she begins to get romantic with you, fart. If you can’t fart, tell her you must go take a dump and excuse yourself.
- Expect her to pay for everything and get angry if she argues.
- If you sleep in the same bed, start wetting it. Every night. Buy a new mattress after she leaves. Be warned that even though this can help make her want to leave you, she WILL tell her friends about it and you WILL be known as a bed-wetter.
- If you can stand it, start smoking a pipe, the stinkier the better. Corncob pipes convey a look that women really hate and seem to stink more, too.
- While her mother and/or father are visiting, talk about how wonderful sex with their daughter was before you got married. Ask her father how long it took for him to get sick of his wife.
- Buy some cheap perfume and occasionally spritz yourself with it before returning home from work.
- When you’re eating at a restaurant, after she orders, discreetly approach to your waiter and ask him to make her plate “extra spicy”.
More extreme measures.
- Pick up a younger homeless bum and bring him home with the promise of a hot shower and a big dinner. All he has to do in return is pretend he’s one of your long-lost illegitimate children, that he’s managed to track you down, and that he’ll be moving into the spare room with his shopping cart.
- If you can’t find a younger street person, get an older one – the dirtier, more incoherent, and more besotted the better – and tell your wife you’ve found your favorite professor from college living on the street. You have invited him to stay until you can help him get back on his feet and find him a job teaching quantum physics.
- Quit your job. Tell her you’re sick of working and, from now on, she’s going to have to support the both of you.
- Enlist the Military and don’t tell her.
- Take a vacation on your own without telling her. When you get back, whenever she asks where you’ve been, speak only in gibberish: “I wath at afarfafarfanargen gargen harble blarble.”
- Start cross-dressing. Tell her the “real you” is finally coming out.
- Should she decide she can live with your wearing her panties, go on to become a full-blown, queen-ish “gay.” Swish about the house wearing boas. If she accepts that, you’re in trouble.
- Buy a large, motorized grinding wheel and an axe. Sharpen the axe on the stone every night. When she asks you why you keep sharpening it, tell her “In the event I ever need it, it has to be sharp.” Then, with a maniacal look in your eye, chortle a bit under your breath. But be certain you don’t leave the axe where she can find it.
- Find an empty whisky bottle. Fill it with iced tea. (Alternatively, fill an empty vodka bottle with water.) Sit in front of the TV, bleary-eyed, your speech slurred, constantly sucking on the bottle. When your blushing bride asks why you are getting drunk every night, reply “Those old memories are coming back of when I used to have sex with sheep. I thought I’d gotten over it, but I guess not. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.”
- Bribe a marriage counselor to convince your wife that she should leave you.
- Buy a parrot. Teach him to say “Get out of my house, you ugly skank.”
- Come on to her mother (or father).
- Disappear for a week, then send a fake obituary from a far-off place.
- In the middle of the night, get out of bed, get dressed, and leave a frog on your pillow next to hers. Put a note around the frog’s neck: “To punish you for your disgusting niceness, I have turned your husband into a frog – a condition that lasts forever. Yours truly, Frieda, Amalgamated Sisterhood of Witches.” Disappear until she gets a divorce. Hope that she doesn’t go on living with the frog.
- Gradually begin talking to her in baby talk until you get to the point where that’s the only way you talk to her, even in public. Call her “Mommy,” which is particularly effective when you don’t have children.
- While you’re both at the mall, wander away from her. Let her find you in Victoria’s Secret surreptitiously sniffing the crotches of the panties on the rack.
- Start an exotic pet collection that includes, at minimum, cobras and tarantulas. Let a tarantula “escape” occasionally.
- Throw a pair of sexy panties under the bed. Look embarrassed and chagrined when she angrily thrusts them in your face. Sheepishly admit you have no explanation for them. If she doesn’t walk out then, wait a few weeks and toss a sexy bra under the bed.
- If she is the cling-y, cuddly type, get a job as a long-haul trucker who’s on the road 28 days of the month.
- Send her flowers that include a card with another woman’s name on it.
- Whenever the two of you are in public, get really jumpy and hold your arms up when she make any sudden movements as if you were expecting her to hit you.
Become a different person.
- Become a Trekkie. Proudly wear the uniform. All the time.
- Hold your twice-weekly Star Trek group meetings at your house.
- For her birthday, take her to the E-Z Freezie Ice Cream Emporium for the free birthday scoop of ice cream. Give her, as her present, a plastic, adjustable ring with an image of William Shatner, and buy tickets to see Carrot Top or Gallagher.
- Constantly tell her how she could have had any man in the world she wanted, and you’re so humbled that she chose a miserable weakling like you. Eventually, she just might believe you and find someone else to torture.
- Grow a long and shaggy beard; start teaching yourself how to play the guitar. Tell her you intend to join ZZ Top.
- Become metro-sexual: Act more feminine than your wife.
- Begin to randomly blurt out strange things like “Penis!” or “Cheese Doodles!”
- “Convert” to a Pentecostal faith, carry a Bible at all times, and whenever she commits a “sin,” point it out to her and tell her she’s going to Hell. Of course, just about everything she says or does will somehow be a sin.
- If you travel a lot for your work, confess one day that you have another wife and two kids living in a classier house in another part of the country.
- Get FAT.
- ‘Accidentally’ forget her birthday, then run out and buy a cake that she doesn’t like and put too many candles on it.
- Become a slob. Don’t clean up after your self. Don’t even clean yourself. Hide all of the soap and cleaners so she can’t clean it up either.
- Convince her that you are planning on undergoing “sexual reassignment surgery”.
- Become as boring as possible. Don’t do ANYTHING.
Get her friends and family to pressure her.
- Discreetly come on to her close friends in such a way that you can deny it if called out.
- Call her parents regularly to complain about her and ask for money.
- Show up drunk for special occasions with her friends and family. Bring a date.
- Clog up and overflow the toilet every time you visit her family. Alternatively – or additionally, you can crap in their bathtub.
- Show up at her workplace and flirt with her co-workers and bosses.
Show her what she’s missing.
- Make friends with a beautiful married couple who are very much in love with each other. With your wife in tow, spend hours and hours with this couple. Let your wife see how much better it could be if she were married to someone who actually loved her.
- Find some compatible men and set her up with them as friends.
- Take her out to places that she loves to go but don’t let her enjoy them.
- Routinely hire some men that she would consider ultra-hot to come on to her and entice her with something better than she currently has with you.
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