Love And Relationships

How To Get Rid Of Your Wife

We should say 101 (mostly) LEGAL ways. We won’t condone violence as a method for making your wife disappear. What we are talking about here are ways to dump your wife or get her to dump you. Individually, any one tip is unlikely to work; but used in combination, these should have you living alone in short order.

Of course, maybe not the easiest or the most fun, but the most sensible and, in the long term, the best for both of you is the usual:

  1. Tell her it’s been great fun but the relationship has just taken a bad turn and you’re not in love with her anymore. It’s best that both of you end it now and get on with your lives before it turns ugly (and if you’re both not trying to make it work, it will turn ugly). Hope that she understands and that you can have a divorce without rancor. (We have never seen one of those, but supposedly they do exist.)

The rest of our suggestions all assume there is some reason you can’t simply do this – perhaps she is so emotional it’s best to let her think she’s dumping you. Maybe you just want to be cruel. Most of these ideas will work for tenacious girlfriends, too, assuming you have the balls to pull them off :). (We hope you will send us your own ideas, maybe something that worked for you.)

The key to these gems is to perform them believably – don’t let her know that you’re trying to make her miserable or they will lose their effectiveness. You must employ them within the scope of your own personality so that they appear natural. And yes, if you really do these things, you are probably going to give the poor girl a complex.

Mess up the sex.

  1. Initiate sex from behind one evening, call her Bessie and tell her to “baaaaa” like a sheep or “moooo” like a cow. As you climax, make loud, angry monkey sounds.
  2. Register an X rated domain name with your wife’s name in it and let her find you turning it into a porn site about her.
  3. Repeatedly give her a venereal disease. (Don’t ask us where to get one)
  4. After fingering her, smell your fingers, grimace, and ask her to go take a shower.
  5. Become the most clumsy, horrible lover you can.
  6. Play with your dog during sex. If you don’t have a dog, toss a ball around or be eating pizza.
  7. In the middle of a night’s passion, jump up off the bed, run into the bathroom, and pretend to throw up.
  8. Allow her to catch you masturbating to gay porn.
  9. Laugh at her breasts during sex.
  10. Achieve orgasm as quickly as you can, every time you have sex. Then roll over and go to sleep immediately.
  11. Tell her you want to “be the woman”.
  12. Go from wanting sex almost every day to not wanting it at all. Give her the impression that you’re getting it elsewhere.
  13. Eat disgusting, smelly food like onions and garlic and try to make out with her.
  14. Tell all of her friends and family embarrassing stories about your sexual encounters.

Stop her from feeling good when she’s with you.

  1. The next time she says, “Does this new dress make my butt look fat?” tell her the only thing that could hide an ass that fat would be a burka, Size XXX Large.
  2. The next time she asks “How much do you love me?” reply “You know that thimble you use for your quilting? It would hold all of my love for you, darling, with some room left over.”
  3. Whenever she cooks something, take a single bite before slathering it with condiments. After you’re done, drop a few alka-seltzer tablets into a glass of water and say “That was almost delicious, honey. What was it?”
  4. Don’t do anything on St. Valentine’s Day. If she complains, reply “But sweetheart, we’re not even Catholic.” If you’re feeling especially cruel, buy two boxes of chocolate. Give one to your mother and eat the other one yourself in front of the TV.
  5. Ogle other women every chance you get, and don’t be subtle about it. When she says “Are you staring at that woman over there?!” you say “Just her breasts/butt/legs. Why don’t yours look that nice?”
  6. If it’s a formal occasion, and she’s wearing new shoes. Look down and remark “My God, I never realized before just how big your feet are!”
  7. End all sexual activity with her. Get used to using the phrase, “Not tonight dear, I’ve got (a headache/ a toothache/ scabies / a fantasy I want to work on alone).”
  8. Whenever she talks to you about anything, listen just long enough to understand what she wishes to talk about, then interrupt her with a story or monologue that takes an opposing viewpoint.
  9. Whenever she says “I love you,” reply “I think you’re okay, too.”
  10. If you don’t already have them, acquire a couple of best friends who despise your wife. Have them over to the house a lot and also go out to dinner with your wife as often as is feasible, but always inviting your friends to come along.
  11. Whenever the two of you are getting ready to go out, nag her continually about how long she is taking and then take at least 15 minutes longer yourself.
  12. Become such an outrageous liar that she never knows when to believe you. Say everything in a voice that’s somewhere between serious and sarcastic. When you say “I love you,” do it with such exaggeration and false enthusiasm that it keeps her guessing.
  13. If she’s overweight, never miss an opening for pointing it out to her in the most sarcastic way. When she backs up shout “Beeeep, beeeep, beeeep…” Memorize a batch of “fat” jokes. Use them.
  14. Force her to drive you everywhere and constantly criticize her driving skills. Gasp and grab at the dashboard every time the car in front’s brake lights come on. Remind her of every turn she needs to make even if you know she knows the way. Occasionally jump out of the car at stop lights and refuse to get back in unless she starts driving better.
  15. Eat lots of the foods that give you horrible gas (eat plenty of bean burritos, sauerkraut, garlic, blue cheese and drink copious amounts of beer.) and cut loose every time her face comes close to you. Make it a game with yourself to see how close you can get her face to your ass (unsuspectingly, of course).
  16. Got an artistic bent? Start concentrating on painting portraits of your wife – but in extremely unflattering poses and, though clearly recognizable as her, portrayed much uglier than she really is. Insist on hanging them around the house and giving the paintings to friends and relatives.
  17. When in bed at night, pretend to talk in your sleep and mumble semi-coherently about keeping an affair from your wife.
  18. Give her a not-so-flattering nickname. “Stubbles” or “Slam-Puppy”.
  19. Try to pick her nose. Stick your fingers in her mouth every time she yawns.

Piss her off as much as possible.

  1. Let her catch you reading this web page.
  2. For her birthday, knowing her hobby is quilting, buy her a complete home woodworking package, complete with band saw, lathe, and router. Tell her that she can now build the sunroom she’s always wanted. (Tips on how to build a sun room)
  3. Every time you go to a restaurant, pass the bill to her, saying “Don’t forget to leave a decent tip, I’ll be waiting outside.” Head for the car.
  4. When she opens up and talks to you about anything important to her, laugh in her face.
  5. Put all of the toilet seats in the ‘up’ position and superglue them to the toilet tank. Alternatively, you can remove them entirely and tell her that you sent them out for refinishing.
  6. When she stops complaining about the toilet seats and starts to accept things, start leaving them down but pee all over them. When she complains about that, leave a log sitting on the side.
  7. Insist on sitting in the back seat of the car. If she has long hair, stealthily tie or tangle a few strands around the headrest.
  8. For your anniversary, get her flowers. Hand pick a small spray of dandelions and lightly rub them on a fresh dog log.
  9. Bring home a bouquet of something she’s allergic to.
  10. Eat like a pig – a noisy slobbering pig. Stop using silverware and don’t say anything unless your mouth is stuffed with food.
  11. Invite your doting mother to visit for a month, the one who takes charge in the kitchen and everywhere else. Every time you have to go somewhere with your wife, invite mom to come along too.
  12. Tell her about the good times you had with your previous partners. If you have photos, that’s even better.
  13. Go to work early, come home late. Some nights, don’t even come home. Call and tell her you have to pull an all-nighter.
  14. Become good friends with all of her ex’s. Have them over a lot and exchange stories about her within earshot.
  15. Disagree with everything she says. If she says it’s hot, you say it’s comfortable; if she says it’s night, you say it’s late evening. Your annoying behavior will drive her either to murder you or run away.
  16. Affect a French accent. Use it all the time. Except during sex. During sex, talk like Speedy Gonzalez.
  17. Every time she begins to get romantic with you, fart. If you can’t fart, tell her you must go take a dump and excuse yourself.
  18. Expect her to pay for everything and get angry if she argues.
  19. If you sleep in the same bed, start wetting it. Every night. Buy a new mattress after she leaves. Be warned that even though this can help make her want to leave you, she WILL tell her friends about it and you WILL be known as a bed-wetter.
  20. If you can stand it, start smoking a pipe, the stinkier the better. Corncob pipes convey a look that women really hate and seem to stink more, too.
  21. While her mother and/or father are visiting, talk about how wonderful sex with their daughter was before you got married. Ask her father how long it took for him to get sick of his wife.
  22. Buy some cheap perfume and occasionally spritz yourself with it before returning home from work.
  23. When you’re eating at a restaurant, after she orders, discreetly approach to your waiter and ask him to make her plate “extra spicy”.

More extreme measures.

  1. Pick up a younger homeless bum and bring him home with the promise of a hot shower and a big dinner. All he has to do in return is pretend he’s one of your long-lost illegitimate children, that he’s managed to track you down, and that he’ll be moving into the spare room with his shopping cart.
  2. If you can’t find a younger street person, get an older one – the dirtier, more incoherent, and more besotted the better – and tell your wife you’ve found your favorite professor from college living on the street. You have invited him to stay until you can help him get back on his feet and find him a job teaching quantum physics.
  3. Quit your job. Tell her you’re sick of working and, from now on, she’s going to have to support the both of you.
  4. Enlist the Military and don’t tell her.
  5. Take a vacation on your own without telling her. When you get back, whenever she asks where you’ve been, speak only in gibberish: “I wath at afarfafarfanargen gargen harble blarble.”
  6. Start cross-dressing. Tell her the “real you” is finally coming out.
  7. Should she decide she can live with your wearing her panties, go on to become a full-blown, queen-ish “gay.” Swish about the house wearing boas. If she accepts that, you’re in trouble.
  8. Buy a large, motorized grinding wheel and an axe. Sharpen the axe on the stone every night. When she asks you why you keep sharpening it, tell her “In the event I ever need it, it has to be sharp.” Then, with a maniacal look in your eye, chortle a bit under your breath. But be certain you don’t leave the axe where she can find it.
  9. Find an empty whisky bottle. Fill it with iced tea. (Alternatively, fill an empty vodka bottle with water.) Sit in front of the TV, bleary-eyed, your speech slurred, constantly sucking on the bottle. When your blushing bride asks why you are getting drunk every night, reply “Those old memories are coming back of when I used to have sex with sheep. I thought I’d gotten over it, but I guess not. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.”
  10. Bribe a marriage counselor to convince your wife that she should leave you.
  11. Buy a parrot. Teach him to say “Get out of my house, you ugly skank.”
  12. Come on to her mother (or father).
  13. Disappear for a week, then send a fake obituary from a far-off place.
  14. In the middle of the night, get out of bed, get dressed, and leave a frog on your pillow next to hers. Put a note around the frog’s neck: “To punish you for your disgusting niceness, I have turned your husband into a frog – a condition that lasts forever. Yours truly, Frieda, Amalgamated Sisterhood of Witches.” Disappear until she gets a divorce. Hope that she doesn’t go on living with the frog.
  15. Gradually begin talking to her in baby talk until you get to the point where that’s the only way you talk to her, even in public. Call her “Mommy,” which is particularly effective when you don’t have children.
  16. While you’re both at the mall, wander away from her. Let her find you in Victoria’s Secret surreptitiously sniffing the crotches of the panties on the rack.
  17. Start an exotic pet collection that includes, at minimum, cobras and tarantulas. Let a tarantula “escape” occasionally.
  18. Throw a pair of sexy panties under the bed. Look embarrassed and chagrined when she angrily thrusts them in your face. Sheepishly admit you have no explanation for them. If she doesn’t walk out then, wait a few weeks and toss a sexy bra under the bed.
  19. If she is the cling-y, cuddly type, get a job as a long-haul trucker who’s on the road 28 days of the month.
  20. Send her flowers that include a card with another woman’s name on it.
  21. Whenever the two of you are in public, get really jumpy and hold your arms up when she make any sudden movements as if you were expecting her to hit you.

Become a different person.

  1. Become a Trekkie. Proudly wear the uniform. All the time.
  2. Hold your twice-weekly Star Trek group meetings at your house.
  3. For her birthday, take her to the E-Z Freezie Ice Cream Emporium for the free birthday scoop of ice cream. Give her, as her present, a plastic, adjustable ring with an image of William Shatner, and buy tickets to see Carrot Top or Gallagher.
  4. Constantly tell her how she could have had any man in the world she wanted, and you’re so humbled that she chose a miserable weakling like you. Eventually, she just might believe you and find someone else to torture.
  5. Grow a long and shaggy beard; start teaching yourself how to play the guitar. Tell her you intend to join ZZ Top.
  6. Become metro-sexual: Act more feminine than your wife.
  7. Begin to randomly blurt out strange things like “Penis!” or “Cheese Doodles!”
  8. “Convert” to a Pentecostal faith, carry a Bible at all times, and whenever she commits a “sin,” point it out to her and tell her she’s going to Hell. Of course, just about everything she says or does will somehow be a sin.
  9. If you travel a lot for your work, confess one day that you have another wife and two kids living in a classier house in another part of the country.
  10. Get FAT.
  11. ‘Accidentally’ forget her birthday, then run out and buy a cake that she doesn’t like and put too many candles on it.
  12. Become a slob. Don’t clean up after your self. Don’t even clean yourself. Hide all of the soap and cleaners so she can’t clean it up either.
  13. Convince her that you are planning on undergoing “sexual reassignment surgery”.
  14. Become as boring as possible. Don’t do ANYTHING.

Get her friends and family to pressure her.

  1. Discreetly come on to her close friends in such a way that you can deny it if called out.
  2. Call her parents regularly to complain about her and ask for money.
  3. Show up drunk for special occasions with her friends and family. Bring a date.
  4. Clog up and overflow the toilet every time you visit her family. Alternatively – or additionally, you can crap in their bathtub.
  5. Show up at her workplace and flirt with her co-workers and bosses.

Show her what she’s missing.

  1. Make friends with a beautiful married couple who are very much in love with each other. With your wife in tow, spend hours and hours with this couple. Let your wife see how much better it could be if she were married to someone who actually loved her.
  2. Find some compatible men and set her up with them as friends.
  3. Take her out to places that she loves to go but don’t let her enjoy them.
  4. Routinely hire some men that she would consider ultra-hot to come on to her and entice her with something better than she currently has with you.

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About the author

Nicole Harding

35 Comments

  • if a person wants to change themself, they can accomplish this change by behaving ‘as if’ they feel a certain feeling, or think a certain thought. After a while, their pretended behavior will become their real behavior. Your advice is horrible. Your advice is stinky rotten. You understand? You are advizing people to behave ‘as if’ they are a rat-fink. If a person behaves like a rat-fink, they will become be an actual rat-fink. Then what will they do? It’s a lot eazier to go down, than it is to come up.

  • Your advice is fun to read and laugh about. But people should know that it is just for fun. You should include a ‘don’t do this at home’

  • to chris l: yeah about your heart-touching advise. i think most people would get that these are not ment to be taken seriously. and posting these is a good way for men to see if they already do them and realize that if they don’t want to loose their wives, they should quit doing them. i’ve personaly known men to do the following, 11, 18, 22, 34, 46, 77, 90. so maybe that says something about me or the men i know.

  • to michelle: I completely agree with you, anyone with any common sense would know not to do any of these. I have to say… 11, 18 22 34 46 77 and 90 … hopefully it’s not all by the same guy, I feel bad for ya lol, I”ve seen 76 however.

  • Tip #2 is real funny and it gave me kind of laughter that was missing for years. Thanks for starting a serious topic with a prick of laughter, it makes the whole article worth enjoyable.

    “Initiate sex from behind one evening, call her Bessie and tell her to “baaaaa” like a sheep or “moooo” like a cow. As you climax, make loud, angry monkey sounds.”

  • If you must break up with your wife, at leats be honest and gentle, tell her the truth and just say it’s not working out any more. Divorce is alreayd hurtful – don’t make it any worse

  • looool this is hilarious, i think i might have 2 come back here if and when i get married and it turns out to be a mess, some of these would be gr8 fun 2 try out could have a real giggle with friends

  • Sign her up for college for something she really wants, act like you could never understand that field and tell her it’s okay to get a “tutor” if she needs one. A bonus would be if it is at least an hour away convince her to get a roommate so she doesn’t have to drive (your so kind) and before you know it-she has moved out (your seperated) shes probably thinking shes fooling YOU by starting an affair (if your lucky) AND she is becoming EMPLOYABLE (no alimony)more than likely she will never see the set up!

  • I just got myself a girlfriend and told her. Then after a few beatings we agreed to be friends. At the cost of my tooth and a broken nose. I thought i knew my wife but i was wrong, she can hit pretty hard. So a top tip if you are going to leave your wife tell her, run and lock yourself in a room and negotiate through a locked door until things calm down.

  • I am married to a wonderful woman and I have done some of these things just because they are funny and make funny stories to tell. You can’t get away with doing any of these things too close to doing any of the others and still remain married.
    As far as the people who are concerned about the site being taken seriously or someone getting hurt feelings, this is the internet. Anyone who gets married should be mature enough to realize that there is truth and there is fantasy (or fiction) and on here, never the two shall meet.
    Morons.

  • How about tip #102 – stick your penis in her mouth when she’s on the phone with a friend. Luckily, I have a sick, immature sense of humor, so I thought it was funny when my husband did this. Other women might not be as accomodating, lol.

  • omg! this is hilarious,,,, i hope noone really takes this serious because it is cruel and ridiculous…. obviously if she is your wife it’s for a reason

  • I’ve been divorced; didn’t find this that funny as exy-*** could have written some of this. I know it is written as satire but marriage is something special that should not be taken forgranted. I agree with Hayley! Don’t make it any worse.

  • This is a scream…but do be reminded that some of these can do you in if you divorce in a state that allows grounds for cruelty or constructive abandonment. I ain’t jokin’ either! I know from personal experience. If she documents well, your azz might be fried. Otherwise, very funny!

  • I do know one excellent way to break up with a man: Tell him his thing is too big! What’s he gonna do? Say “No, it’s not??” LOL…

  • Here is a tip;

    buy your self a second mobile phone that she does not know about, and carry your first phone with you when you are with your wife. Quick dial your first phone from your second and “secret” phone, so often, especially at night, i.e. lovers time, to convince her that you are having an affair with other woman. Make sure to keep the second phone mute and hide it well

  • I am Indian married man and father of a child, married three years as of now. My marriage was in quite pressure from the family. I think that we are not matched, as I am very hi-tech guy and she is very normal and non-intellectual.
    Problem which I am facing is:
    She is actually a short heighten not structured sexy.
    She can’t speak English and not intellectual.
    Look wise also not very attractive.
    So I am not finding any one feature that I want to continue my whole life with her. Yeah I love my child very much.

    Please I need some suggestion to save my life.

  • Well first of all, I thought this was a joke. But after reading all of it I figured some guys will actually take this all seriously and use some of these tips.

    To the person (or should I say guy) you wrote this I think you seriously need some help…..

  • Have an affair with her sister or best friend and make sure she finds out or tell her you want to have a three-some you, her and another GUY!

  • The next time she says, “Does this new dress make my butt look fat?” tell her the only thing that could hide an ass that fat would be a burka, Size XXX Large.

    I laughed. very hard. for a long time.

    # Affect a French accent. Use it all the time. Except during sex. During sex, talk like Speedy Gonzalez.

    Awesome

  • hey Rajesh call INS and only speak english if she goes to the airport stick some razor blades inside her bars of soap and put it in her carryon bags that will be lots of fun at the metal detctors, break open a shotgun shell rub some of the gun powder on her shoes the bomb dogs will love it. learn to speak russian and tell her your thinking about a mailorder bride for springbreak. let her find you on http://www.rrclub.sk tell her its a pop up make it pop up often and save it in your bookmarks make sure she finds it. tell her you meat a hot packistani girl at the store and say were just close friends. get a job at a beef proessing plant. that should do the trick if they dont work take your kids and move to crawford texas she will not fallow you there.

    it’ll be ok – joseph

  • Want to ged rid of the worst kind of skank, heres how, i know someone who did it. Take on vacation to the Philippines, when shes asleep take her passport and any id she has and leave, forever. I met a dutch girl whos been selling herself there for 7 years and cant get home. even better, absolutely full proof, take her there as i said before, buy some “SHABU” its methamphetamine on the street about 2000 pesos worth or 40 USD and hide it in her purse, wait a few days and give any local a few hundred pesos to snitch on her, they dont need a warrant there, when the police find that they will put her in prison for about 40 years, oh yeah make sure all her ID is gone so she cant even identify herself. youll never see her again and whats best is youll be in the land of the filipina, single, no better place to be, have fun with your nes 19 year old girlfriend hehe.

  • Isn’t it interesting that if you type “How to Leave Your Husband” into google all you get is a lot of advice about abusive relationships and how to get out of your marriage without having to live in a cardboard box after., but if you type in “How to Leave Your Wife” five websites come up that tell you how to abuse her badly enough to get her to break up with you. Fucking Passive Aggressive Abusive Monsters. Fuck you to anyone who thinks it’s funny to treat their wife like a farm animal during sex. Good luck finding a new wife who will put up with your shit. Might I suggest a mail order bride who comes to you powerless and humiliated, just waiting for you to die so she can finally be free!

  • I have a tip:

    Open a condom, pace the wrapper on her seat of the car, and the condom under a cushion of the couch. She’ll find that days later.

  • If your wife got marrry for gold digging and make your life unbearable what would u do. if u kick her out she would get everything u have. so give me advice then.

  • Open a warcraft account and spend all your time playing warcraft while watching tv. Then break any important dates with your wife by telling her you cannot let you online buddies down because you have a raid tonight and you are the only healer in the group.

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