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How to Get Rid of Stalkers
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The thing that separates a stalker from a silly moonstruck pest intent on following you around (found much more often in movies and Shakespeare than in real life) is that the stalker is firmly fixated on you, whether out of a perverted kind of love or out of hatred for you. He may be a former intimate partner or he may be an erotomaniac, but either way, he believes that he is hopelessly in love with you (yes, he: there are four times as many male stalkers as females; 8% of all women will, at sometime in their lives, be stalked by a male, whereas only 2% of men will be stalked by a women). And, even worse, he believes that, if you are not already in love with him, it is inevitable that you will fall in love with him.
He is obsessive, he is rigid, and he obsesses on you. He could also be paranoid, prone to verbal and physical violence, and have a host of other mental and behavioral problems. He is a sociopath who will make your life a hell, or maybe even take it away from you.
What do you have to do to deal with a stalker?
First, be able to recognize one: identify stalker warning signs
- Two common traits of stalkers are that they are intelligent and self-centered.
- They are quite talented and dogged at tracking down the object of their warped affection, and they see nothing wrong in what they do.
- No matter how strenuously you may reject a stalker, he will never surrender his notion that you will come to your senses, give in to his pursuit, and fall in love with him.
- It is quite likely he has no friends; his only “relationship” is with you.
- He is likely to have few, if any, social skills, tends to be a loner, and typically has low self-esteem; should you make the mistake of showing him some affection, rather than his accepting it, it is equally possible he will consider it a sham and accuse you of mocking him.
- He can become angry and abusive in a flash.
- Stalkers come in three flavors. There is the delusional type, also known as the erotomaniac, with whom you have never had a relationship and never will; the hangdog with whom you have broken up but who refuses to believe the affair is over, and the stalker intent on vengeance for the pain he believes you have caused him. Both the delusional stalker and the hangdog stalker have the potential to become vengeful stalkers.
There is a new computer-age variation on the vengeful stalker – the cyber-stalker. He operates much like the identity thief, messing on-line with your credit accounts, your financial records, changing your name in computer databases, and so on. But, unlike the identity thief, his intention is not to steal money from you (though he may) but to make your life more painful.
(Other vengeful stalkers might include people like disgruntled customers, road ragers, and others, such as the ex-employee who returns to a company from which he’s been fired armed to the teeth and “goes postal” on his former bosses and co-workers. But most victims are stalked by people who think they’re “in love” with them and possibly angry that they are rejecting them.)
Second, take action. Don’t be passive, and for heaven’s sake, don’t encourage the fool.
If you are breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend, make it quick and final. Don’t drag things out. Make your last conversation absolutely your last conversation – do not talk to that person again.
Third, never assume that because a stalker has never been violent in the past he cannot be violent in the future.
Protect yourself against potential attack. How? Here are a few of the many things you can and should do:
- Avoid leaving yourself open to attack. More and more, Web bloggers are inviting attacks by simply making their opinions known far and wide. People advertising themselves on personals services also run a risk. If you can’t take precautions and you can’t defend yourself from potential stalkers, you should go to great lengths to maintain anonymity.
- Move away and keep your address a secret; get a postal box; un-list your phone number.
- Get a dog. Train it to protect you on command and to be alert for intruders.
- Learn self-defense. Carry Mace or pepper spray. Whether you choose to carry a gun is up to you and the laws of your community; however, carrying a firearm when you are untrained in its use or you are not prepared to actually kill your stalker leaves you open to having your own weapon turned on you.
- Carry a cell phone with you at all times.
- Never respond to a stalker’s attentions, not even to shout at him; your attention, even negative attention, is all positive to him.
- At work, have fellow employees screen your calls and visitors.
- Think twice about obtaining a restraining order. Too often, it does little to protect you and only serves to infuriate the stalker.
- Know the locations of police stations and all-night stores.
- If you suspect you’re being followed in your car, make four right or four left turns. If the car is still following you, head for the police station.
- Join a psychological support group.
- Install a security system and motion-sensitive outdoor lighting.
None of these things that fend off a stalker actually gets rid of him. That’s virtually impossible. Even when imprisoned for making threats or carrying them out, the stalker can’t be kept under lock and key forever unless he has murdered his prey. He is likely to be released from prison within five years and come out still intent upon getting his way… or his revenge.
Be aware that a stalker, even when not being a physical threat, can do a great deal of psychological damage. The majority of 100 stalking victims followed in a recent study published in the American Journal of Psychiatry had to make significant changes in their work habits or abandon their work altogether; they became far less socially active, and hunkered down in their homes. Anxiety, sleep disturbance, post traumatic stress disorder, and newly-developed substance abuse became common. The subjects felt powerless and depressed, and a quarter of the group actively considered suicide.
No, you generally can’t get rid of a stalker. But you can, and should, as much as possible, take control of the situation. Defend yourself, do some research, connect with other victims, and do what you can to maintain your sanity.
Resources:
- End Stalking in America: “Be Alert to Common Traits of Stalkers.”
- The Anti-Stalking Web Site: “Stalkers and Stalking.”
- Katherine Ramsland, Criminal Minds and Methods: “Stalkers: the Psychological Terrorist.”
- Paul E. Mullin and Michéle Pathý, Psychiatric Times: “Stalkers and Their Victims.”
don’t date people who hunt a lot.
or who haven’t dated many others. or have no friends.
the best to way to get rid of one is not to meet them in the first place.
My heart goes out to all of you who are victims of stalkers. Hang tough and don’t let them know you are phased by their tactics. Intimidation is their tool so don’t let them know you are scared.
Be prepared if for an assault. Carry with you some sort of protection; mace, pepper spray or even better a stun gun. Cell phone stun guns are great because you can appear to be talking on the phone and it’s ready at a moments notice should they try to grab you.
There are voice changers you can put on your phone so the stalker will think someone else is in your house with you. You don’t have to be a victim. There are inexpensive home alarm systems to alert you to an intruder, window alarms, door braces and the list goes on and on. Be proactive with the items. They will give you peace of mind.
I hope this doesn’t sound self serving because you can get them lots of places but they’re available on my web site http://officialsafetyandsecurity.com along with a page full of safety tips. I created my web site to help people who are dealing with vulnerability.
Use these products to enhance your security and live your life, knowing you are prepared if your stalker decides to do more than stalk.
Not really a tip… I’m still a teen and there is a 28 police stalker, thats been ‘in love’ with me. I can’t really avoid him he sends me gifts at my house. I’ve changed my number three times and he keeps finding out about the changes. I’m staying at a neighbors house so he can’t find me. I don’t go out that much anymore and only keep intouch with one friend. I’m scared and affraid he’s going to fallow me to college.
Guys aren’t use to rejection nowadays and its creepy. I have a stalker that I’ve never seen in person only via pictures because I met him on myspace and he seemed like a down to earth person and we never ever went out ever! He swears we did and he claims to have broken up with me but how could this be when we were never in a relationship. All his colors began to show after awhile so I already knew I wasn’t going to lower my standards to be with someone so childish. He always said he loved me and that really creeped me out. We never seen each other in real life. I stopped answering his calls and I blocked all his yahoo & aim names. I blocked and deleted his myspace page and he even had the nerve to make up new pages just to friend request me and send me messages even till this day. He’s a bit psychotic because he still trys to reach out to me and all of the above. He’s stalking me through the internet its so sickening and I don’t know what to do to get rid of him once and for all!
press a number when ur on the telephone and say operator this person keeps calling and the person might hang up. this works when uron the telephone
I am in desperate need of advise and help. I am writing on behalf of myself and those that matter to me, and may be in danger. Someone unknown to me has been following me and contacting me with threatening messages. My life and the lives of others have been put into jeapordy because of this man. I am definant that this is a man because I have seen glimses of him on occation near subways and in shops. When calling me his number has showed up as a private number. I am scared for my family and myself. The messages left on my phone are threatning and extremely real. Yet I believe this man is “in love” with me because he has ordered me to divorce my wife. I cannot live like this any longer. My children have been forced to pick up and move on a moments notice and flee to a safer place. They have been traumatized and are afraid to go to school, or anywhere else open and dangerous. I have no where else to turn. Help is needed and very much appreciated. But my name is not John. I have been forced to use a fake name because I am put into more danger if I contact anyone about this situation.
Okay well I have a stalker I know his name but not last. His grandparents live down the street from me. He walks up and down the street and watches my house. If I’m outside he will approach me. He has threatened my brother with a weapon. He is 6 years older than me and is “in love” with me. help!
My closest friend more like a sister has this stalker and the police honestly think she is doing it her self. Ill start by saying she wants to be a cop as well and has been through schooling for it. But now this guy - im assuming its a man but who knows - has been sending her letters one with a knife stuck through it one in her car one in my car and about three at her old place of work. This person went as fas as getting her fired from her job by starting a fire and framing her completly - she got arrested and since the stupid police/detectives involved will do nothing they are basically a bunch of useless ideots who honestly think the whole thing is an attention grab. We have absolutly no idea as to who this could be all except for on person who actually thinks he is in love with her but we cannot be certain so nothing can be done. Ive read a whole bunch of crap on do’s and don’ts - my friend wont let me talk to this ass hole we think might be it because Id probably kill him literally. Im completly at a loss here because in the last letter he threatens my friend and gives her a ring. I dont know if this is totally off topic but if anyone has any suggestions I’d be extremly excited to hear them - im a very protective person and this wont due.
Kate, I’ve been trying to find information on what you described. I can’t say that there is a lot out there except in reference to the movie ‘Single White Female’. If you can find out the name of the character’s illness, you might be able to pinpoint what is going on with your female stalker. Be careful sister. She wants what you have…and apparently has little self-knowledge or understanding. Go to the authorities or a psychologist for their opinion on what you should do to protect yourself. If they brush you off, go to another one. Get a few opinions. You may have to make yourself disappear for a while….once I got information to my stalker that I was moving to a particular city and studying at a particular university (which was untrue). the person moved. Was furious. But later, many years later, thanked me.
I’ve been reading your comments and requests for help. The stories sound familiar…I’ve been there more than once. My most recent encounter with a socio-path stalker had forced me to take a long hard look at my own behavior. FIRST of all, I know, its not my fault. And its NOT YOUR FAULT. You have done nothing wrong. You do not deserve this. Don’t feel guilty for ‘hurting’ someone. These guys are not ‘hurt’ by you, they are just blaming you for their hurt (if it has gotten to that stage yet). If they didn’t blame you, they would blame someone else. SECOND, forget all the rule for niceness that your mother taught you. BUT DO NOT GET AGGRESSIVE….AVOID AGGRESSIVENESS AT ALL COST!!!! If he calls, and you pick up, put it down. Don’t listen to the pleas, the begging, the guilt trips…these guys are masters of manipulation and they know you may give in because you were taught to be polite. They rely on that ‘good upbringing’ to get their way.Ignore them, walk away, put the phone down, don’t answer it, don’t talk to them. Period. THIRD when they start to get too close…like outside your window, following you…MOVE MOVE MOVE or get a BIG STRONG MALE COMPANION WHO YOU TRUST to be a body guard. Get a dog. Take self defense. Don’t go anywhere alone. Don’t stay home late at night alone. Stay in a social environment, stay in public. Keep in mind, these guys may make a scene…they thrive on scenes so start thickening your skin because they know that you don’t want to be embarrassed in public. Hold your head high. Don’t say a word. Walk away. Stay calm. FOURTH; inform you family and friends that you are afraid. Stay with them, go on a trip…do what you have to do to get out of town. I left home for two years…on the day of my arrival home, he called. I left again. It seems overwhelming to take drastic measures, but these guys are dangerous. FINALLY, watch out afterwards. These experiences can make you feel horribly vulnerable which makes you prey for another one of these idiots….surround yourself with a group of people you trust. Take a course or buy a book on assertiveness training. WE often open ourselves up to these people by ‘feeling’ sorry for them, for not standing our ground, for having given in once to a sob story…just listening to the sob story is their doorway into your life. I hate to have to give this kind of advice. It was hard for me to accept that I would have to be ‘rude’, sometimes mean, and different from the kind of person I wanted to be. Best of luck. Chin up. Stay proud. Stay strong.