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How to Get Rid of Stalkers
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The thing that separates a stalker from a silly moonstruck pest intent on following you around (found much more often in movies and Shakespeare than in real life) is that the stalker is firmly fixated on you, whether out of a perverted kind of love or out of hatred for you. He may be a former intimate partner or he may be an erotomaniac, but either way, he believes that he is hopelessly in love with you (yes, he: there are four times as many male stalkers as females; 8% of all women will, at sometime in their lives, be stalked by a male, whereas only 2% of men will be stalked by a women). And, even worse, he believes that, if you are not already in love with him, it is inevitable that you will fall in love with him.
He is obsessive, he is rigid, and he obsesses on you. He could also be paranoid, prone to verbal and physical violence, and have a host of other mental and behavioral problems. He is a sociopath who will make your life a hell, or maybe even take it away from you.
What do you have to do to deal with a stalker?
First, be able to recognize one: identify stalker warning signs
- Two common traits of stalkers are that they are intelligent and self-centered.
- They are quite talented and dogged at tracking down the object of their warped affection, and they see nothing wrong in what they do.
- No matter how strenuously you may reject a stalker, he will never surrender his notion that you will come to your senses, give in to his pursuit, and fall in love with him.
- It is quite likely he has no friends; his only “relationship” is with you.
- He is likely to have few, if any, social skills, tends to be a loner, and typically has low self-esteem; should you make the mistake of showing him some affection, rather than his accepting it, it is equally possible he will consider it a sham and accuse you of mocking him.
- He can become angry and abusive in a flash.
- Stalkers come in three flavors. There is the delusional type, also known as the erotomaniac, with whom you have never had a relationship and never will; the hangdog with whom you have broken up but who refuses to believe the affair is over, and the stalker intent on vengeance for the pain he believes you have caused him. Both the delusional stalker and the hangdog stalker have the potential to become vengeful stalkers.
There is a new computer-age variation on the vengeful stalker – the cyber-stalker. He operates much like the identity thief, messing on-line with your credit accounts, your financial records, changing your name in computer databases, and so on. But, unlike the identity thief, his intention is not to steal money from you (though he may) but to make your life more painful.
(Other vengeful stalkers might include people like disgruntled customers, road ragers, and others, such as the ex-employee who returns to a company from which he’s been fired armed to the teeth and “goes postal” on his former bosses and co-workers. But most victims are stalked by people who think they’re “in love” with them and possibly angry that they are rejecting them.)
Second, take action. Don’t be passive, and for heaven’s sake, don’t encourage the fool.
If you are breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend, make it quick and final. Don’t drag things out. Make your last conversation absolutely your last conversation – do not talk to that person again.
Third, never assume that because a stalker has never been violent in the past he cannot be violent in the future.
Protect yourself against potential attack. How? Here are a few of the many things you can and should do:
- Avoid leaving yourself open to attack. More and more, Web bloggers are inviting attacks by simply making their opinions known far and wide. People advertising themselves on personals services also run a risk. If you can’t take precautions and you can’t defend yourself from potential stalkers, you should go to great lengths to maintain anonymity.
- Move away and keep your address a secret; get a postal box; un-list your phone number.
- Get a dog. Train it to protect you on command and to be alert for intruders.
- Learn self-defense. Carry Mace or pepper spray. Whether you choose to carry a gun is up to you and the laws of your community; however, carrying a firearm when you are untrained in its use or you are not prepared to actually kill your stalker leaves you open to having your own weapon turned on you.
- Carry a cell phone with you at all times.
- Never respond to a stalker’s attentions, not even to shout at him; your attention, even negative attention, is all positive to him.
- At work, have fellow employees screen your calls and visitors.
- Think twice about obtaining a restraining order. Too often, it does little to protect you and only serves to infuriate the stalker.
- Know the locations of police stations and all-night stores.
- If you suspect you’re being followed in your car, make four right or four left turns. If the car is still following you, head for the police station.
- Join a psychological support group.
- Install a security system and motion-sensitive outdoor lighting.
None of these things that fend off a stalker actually gets rid of him. That’s virtually impossible. Even when imprisoned for making threats or carrying them out, the stalker can’t be kept under lock and key forever unless he has murdered his prey. He is likely to be released from prison within five years and come out still intent upon getting his way… or his revenge.
Be aware that a stalker, even when not being a physical threat, can do a great deal of psychological damage. The majority of 100 stalking victims followed in a recent study published in the American Journal of Psychiatry had to make significant changes in their work habits or abandon their work altogether; they became far less socially active, and hunkered down in their homes. Anxiety, sleep disturbance, post traumatic stress disorder, and newly-developed substance abuse became common. The subjects felt powerless and depressed, and a quarter of the group actively considered suicide.
No, you generally can’t get rid of a stalker. But you can, and should, as much as possible, take control of the situation. Defend yourself, do some research, connect with other victims, and do what you can to maintain your sanity.
Resources:
- End Stalking in America: “Be Alert to Common Traits of Stalkers.”
- The Anti-Stalking Web Site: “Stalkers and Stalking.”
- Katherine Ramsland, Criminal Minds and Methods: “Stalkers: the Psychological Terrorist.”
- Paul E. Mullin and Michéle Pathý, Psychiatric Times: “Stalkers and Their Victims.”
i have this girl who stalks me, stupidly i had sex with her and now she wont leave me alone, she knows where i live, she even came to my house un invited, i took her bk to the train station then i left to go out, i got a phone call from my house saying shed came bk, she started talking to my mum for 2 hours, luckily i was out at the time, she said shes commin bk tuesday, she just wont leave me alone, what do i do
don’t date people who hunt a lot.
or who haven’t dated many others. or have no friends.
the best to way to get rid of one is not to meet them in the first place.
My heart goes out to all of you who are victims of stalkers. Hang tough and don’t let them know you are phased by their tactics. Intimidation is their tool so don’t let them know you are scared.
Be prepared if for an assault. Carry with you some sort of protection; mace, pepper spray or even better a stun gun. Cell phone stun guns are great because you can appear to be talking on the phone and it’s ready at a moments notice should they try to grab you.
There are voice changers you can put on your phone so the stalker will think someone else is in your house with you. You don’t have to be a victim. There are inexpensive home alarm systems to alert you to an intruder, window alarms, door braces and the list goes on and on. Be proactive with the items. They will give you peace of mind.
I hope this doesn’t sound self serving because you can get them lots of places but they’re available on my web site http://officialsafetyandsecurity.com along with a page full of safety tips. I created my web site to help people who are dealing with vulnerability.
Use these products to enhance your security and live your life, knowing you are prepared if your stalker decides to do more than stalk.
Not really a tip… I’m still a teen and there is a 28 police stalker, thats been ‘in love’ with me. I can’t really avoid him he sends me gifts at my house. I’ve changed my number three times and he keeps finding out about the changes. I’m staying at a neighbors house so he can’t find me. I don’t go out that much anymore and only keep intouch with one friend. I’m scared and affraid he’s going to fallow me to college.
Guys aren’t use to rejection nowadays and its creepy. I have a stalker that I’ve never seen in person only via pictures because I met him on myspace and he seemed like a down to earth person and we never ever went out ever! He swears we did and he claims to have broken up with me but how could this be when we were never in a relationship. All his colors began to show after awhile so I already knew I wasn’t going to lower my standards to be with someone so childish. He always said he loved me and that really creeped me out. We never seen each other in real life. I stopped answering his calls and I blocked all his yahoo & aim names. I blocked and deleted his myspace page and he even had the nerve to make up new pages just to friend request me and send me messages even till this day. He’s a bit psychotic because he still trys to reach out to me and all of the above. He’s stalking me through the internet its so sickening and I don’t know what to do to get rid of him once and for all!
press a number when ur on the telephone and say operator this person keeps calling and the person might hang up. this works when uron the telephone
I am in desperate need of advise and help. I am writing on behalf of myself and those that matter to me, and may be in danger. Someone unknown to me has been following me and contacting me with threatening messages. My life and the lives of others have been put into jeapordy because of this man. I am definant that this is a man because I have seen glimses of him on occation near subways and in shops. When calling me his number has showed up as a private number. I am scared for my family and myself. The messages left on my phone are threatning and extremely real. Yet I believe this man is “in love” with me because he has ordered me to divorce my wife. I cannot live like this any longer. My children have been forced to pick up and move on a moments notice and flee to a safer place. They have been traumatized and are afraid to go to school, or anywhere else open and dangerous. I have no where else to turn. Help is needed and very much appreciated. But my name is not John. I have been forced to use a fake name because I am put into more danger if I contact anyone about this situation.
Okay well I have a stalker I know his name but not last. His grandparents live down the street from me. He walks up and down the street and watches my house. If I’m outside he will approach me. He has threatened my brother with a weapon. He is 6 years older than me and is “in love” with me. help!
My closest friend more like a sister has this stalker and the police honestly think she is doing it her self. Ill start by saying she wants to be a cop as well and has been through schooling for it. But now this guy - im assuming its a man but who knows - has been sending her letters one with a knife stuck through it one in her car one in my car and about three at her old place of work. This person went as fas as getting her fired from her job by starting a fire and framing her completly - she got arrested and since the stupid police/detectives involved will do nothing they are basically a bunch of useless ideots who honestly think the whole thing is an attention grab. We have absolutly no idea as to who this could be all except for on person who actually thinks he is in love with her but we cannot be certain so nothing can be done. Ive read a whole bunch of crap on do’s and don’ts - my friend wont let me talk to this ass hole we think might be it because Id probably kill him literally. Im completly at a loss here because in the last letter he threatens my friend and gives her a ring. I dont know if this is totally off topic but if anyone has any suggestions I’d be extremly excited to hear them - im a very protective person and this wont due.
Kate, I’ve been trying to find information on what you described. I can’t say that there is a lot out there except in reference to the movie ‘Single White Female’. If you can find out the name of the character’s illness, you might be able to pinpoint what is going on with your female stalker. Be careful sister. She wants what you have…and apparently has little self-knowledge or understanding. Go to the authorities or a psychologist for their opinion on what you should do to protect yourself. If they brush you off, go to another one. Get a few opinions. You may have to make yourself disappear for a while….once I got information to my stalker that I was moving to a particular city and studying at a particular university (which was untrue). the person moved. Was furious. But later, many years later, thanked me.
I’ve been reading your comments and requests for help. The stories sound familiar…I’ve been there more than once. My most recent encounter with a socio-path stalker had forced me to take a long hard look at my own behavior. FIRST of all, I know, its not my fault. And its NOT YOUR FAULT. You have done nothing wrong. You do not deserve this. Don’t feel guilty for ‘hurting’ someone. These guys are not ‘hurt’ by you, they are just blaming you for their hurt (if it has gotten to that stage yet). If they didn’t blame you, they would blame someone else. SECOND, forget all the rule for niceness that your mother taught you. BUT DO NOT GET AGGRESSIVE….AVOID AGGRESSIVENESS AT ALL COST!!!! If he calls, and you pick up, put it down. Don’t listen to the pleas, the begging, the guilt trips…these guys are masters of manipulation and they know you may give in because you were taught to be polite. They rely on that ‘good upbringing’ to get their way.Ignore them, walk away, put the phone down, don’t answer it, don’t talk to them. Period. THIRD when they start to get too close…like outside your window, following you…MOVE MOVE MOVE or get a BIG STRONG MALE COMPANION WHO YOU TRUST to be a body guard. Get a dog. Take self defense. Don’t go anywhere alone. Don’t stay home late at night alone. Stay in a social environment, stay in public. Keep in mind, these guys may make a scene…they thrive on scenes so start thickening your skin because they know that you don’t want to be embarrassed in public. Hold your head high. Don’t say a word. Walk away. Stay calm. FOURTH; inform you family and friends that you are afraid. Stay with them, go on a trip…do what you have to do to get out of town. I left home for two years…on the day of my arrival home, he called. I left again. It seems overwhelming to take drastic measures, but these guys are dangerous. FINALLY, watch out afterwards. These experiences can make you feel horribly vulnerable which makes you prey for another one of these idiots….surround yourself with a group of people you trust. Take a course or buy a book on assertiveness training. WE often open ourselves up to these people by ‘feeling’ sorry for them, for not standing our ground, for having given in once to a sob story…just listening to the sob story is their doorway into your life. I hate to have to give this kind of advice. It was hard for me to accept that I would have to be ‘rude’, sometimes mean, and different from the kind of person I wanted to be. Best of luck. Chin up. Stay proud. Stay strong.
One thing that many people overlook is that if it’s an ex who is stalking you, they may have a key to your house or know where your spare is. I immediately changed my locks after breaking up and finding that my ex went psycho, but even that hasn’t been enough. What started off as just an annoying “he just won’t move on” has quickly turned into a nightmarish situation of the ex contacting friends and family, tracking my moves, wanting to get as much info about me as he can from others who know me, emailing and texting repeatedly each day, and telling me that he loves me now more than ever–even though I’ve made it more than clear I’m not in love with him and won’t be friends with him.
The foolish thing I keep doing is answering an occasional text or email, just because I don’t want to be rude. I have got to get it in my head that it’s not me being rude. The rude thing here is that he won’t respect boundaries and is starting to make my life a mess. Anyway, though I’m not living my own advice, another tip I would say is to NOT acknowledge contact. It only makes thing worse…much, much worse. I read that even if you only answer the phone once to tell the stalker to go away, after even 60 phone calls, the stalker realizes that it will cost at least 60 phone calls but it’s encouragement and reassurance to them. I don’t understand how someone can think it’s okay to stalk, but I really believe the stalker doesn’t even realize how creepy they’re being. I know that’s how it is in my case anyway. Good luck to others!!!
This may seem like the most retarded thing ever, but start wearing old navy and a polo (guy), thats what I did! Shake your boody when u walk.
Its Not a tip but a problem.
Ok My friend and I have Runescape accounts(a popular medieval website)
Well she has had many Runescape boyfriends.
And one of her recent ones that she broke up a little of more then 3 weeks ago i believe.
She gave him MY cell phone number. Because she was over and thought it would be okay and doesn’t and now he wont leave me or my phone in piece texting, and calling.
I told him to stop and he goes no. So i ask my parents what to do and my dad goes next time he calls ill awnser! and not 2 hours later he calls and i run to my dad with the phone and he awnsers and goes HELLO!
but he hangs up after he hears the man voice.
and since then (1 day) he only texted me twice. unlike his normal 100 text.
And my dad said if he continues we block his cell phone number from reaching me and calling the cops.
O’my lord. I met what I thought was my soul sister (just plantonic)sp? We had so much in common, i.e. bleached blonds, approx. the same age, dog training classes, county life, thrift stores, etc. She would call me 4/5 times a day! In the beginning I thought, “well she is just loney” and I am her only friend. Wow, did it ever esclate from there, it could have been made a movie out of how she took over all my friends and acquaitances and has intimidated me to the point where I don’t feel comfortable going the places I took her to. She NEVER introduced me to ANY of her friends or acquaitainces and I don’t feel comfortable enough with my “old” friends or acquaitances to bring her up. It has been about 8 months now since I’ve seen her or all the people she started hanging around with that I introduced her to. She WAS the sweetest, nicest person you could ever want to meet but apparently wanted my life! I just hope that she may have moved on to “her old life” before me and maybe(?) hopefully, I can salvage some of my old acquaitances if she hasn’t slandered me too much! I am sure she is a sociopath and I understand that they don’t (usually) keep friends, hobbies or interests? Anyone got any tips or advice on dealing with such a siutuation? And be very careful about who you meet… either male or female!! I thought stalkers only came in the male form. Was I wrong! Sheila Taylor
Latley, iv’e been having a few problems… its became a newsence! i
have a stalker. It first started out as him knocking on my window each night,mostly past midnight around 2. he knocked for a few weeks then i became worried, because just the other night i heard ripping!
i thought it might of been a cat scratching at my window… but i guess i was wrong! The next morning i went out to check my window and
my screen was ripped appart!!!!!!! It looked like someone had took a knife and cut a straight line, then took there hands and ripped the rest. i think this may be getting a little serious! im very afraid, one time he knocked at my window,and i ran to the outside part of the window and i saw him! He looked at me turned, then ran. im so unsure! because i dont know who he is or what i did to him! All i know is if he is brave enough to tear my screen to get to me… then he doese’nt sound very scared of me!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS??????????????
CAN ANYONE HELP ME ????
I have someone stalking me and I don’t know who it is. He has murdered my animal, put dead animal in my mail box, shot guns off in my driveway and set fire to my house while my children and I were sleeping. After the fire I moved to another county and changed jobs. It took him about 8 months to find me and it has started again.
I have made several reports to the sheriff and they can’t/won’t help. Instead they arrested me and charged me with allowing my horses to run loose. They agree that the fence was cut but yet they arrested me. They (sheriff) tell me to move. I have done that and it doesn’t work. I just want a normal life again. I want to enjoy my kids and animals, not worry when he will kill them or me.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
On christmas i met a guy in a party i only had a 2 minute conversation with him. Next month he started calling me alot and sending me very weird messages. At first i answered them asking him to plz stop and that we could ONLY b friends, but it got worst. I tried to tell the police but they say hes too young (hes 16 i think and im 14) and thats its only ‘a crush’. But hes been following me around and he is trying to found out where i live, he knows my school so i had to pay some older guys to protect me. Some of my friends want to beat him up but i think it will make it worst. The only thing i can do now is to ignore him and never answer his calls, but he sends messages if i dont. Im so scared. I have to sleep under my bed with a basebal bat. He just called like 10 minutes ago.
For the last three years I have been harassed by an ex friend who has made my life a nightmare, She has gone as far as to dressing like me
to work in my old job. She even moved in to my old apartment, I have been to court many times and still continues I have asked for order of protection, This person has tryed to run me over with her car
she writes anonymous to my job. I haved moved out of town and still
see her around my new home, I feel she will not stop it going on four years now I have reached out for help but i find that it is hard to feel safe. Espically when you are beeing stalked by a female, I have a question What would cause another female to stalk another female.
She has gone as far as to getting a job in my old job in the human resourse also moving in to my old apartment after she caused me to move away. I need answers…
Hire some criminals to deal with these mutts. To the more mature ladies Bikers are the most cost effective. To the younger women ask a relative or close friend or friends to wreck your stalker in a way that keeps him/her well away from you from then on. It may be against your nature and it may seem morally depraved but when dealing with someone who has little to no morals should you really care that much?