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How to get rid of stuff » Personal » How to Get Rid of Stalkers
 

How to Get Rid of Stalkers

April 13th, 2007 by MartinDodge
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StalkerThe thing that separates a stalker from a silly moonstruck pest intent on following you around (found much more often in movies and Shakespeare than in real life) is that the stalker is firmly fixated on you, whether out of a perverted kind of love or out of hatred for you. He may be a former intimate partner or he may be an erotomaniac, but either way, he believes that he is hopelessly in love with you (yes, he: there are four times as many male stalkers as females; 8% of all women will, at sometime in their lives, be stalked by a male, whereas only 2% of men will be stalked by a women). And, even worse, he believes that, if you are not already in love with him, it is inevitable that you will fall in love with him.

 

He is obsessive, he is rigid, and he obsesses on you. He could also be paranoid, prone to verbal and physical violence, and have a host of other mental and behavioral problems. He is a sociopath who will make your life a hell, or maybe even take it away from you.

What do you have to do to deal with a stalker?

First, be able to recognize one: identify stalker warning signs

    Self-centered man
  1. Two common traits of stalkers are that they are intelligent and self-centered.
  2. They are quite talented and dogged at tracking down the object of their warped affection, and they see nothing wrong in what they do.
  3. No matter how strenuously you may reject a stalker, he will never surrender his notion that you will come to your senses, give in to his pursuit, and fall in love with him.
  4. It is quite likely he has no friends; his only "relationship" is with you.
  5. He is likely to have few, if any, social skills, tends to be a loner, and typically has low self-esteem (If you're one of these, then learn how to build self-esteem); should you make the mistake of showing him some affection, rather than his accepting it, it is equally possible he will consider it a sham and accuse you of mocking him.
    6. Angry
  6. He can become angry and abusive in a flash.
  7. Stalkers come in three flavors. There is the delusional type, also known as the erotomaniac, with whom you have never had a relationship and never will; the hangdog with whom you have broken up but who refuses to believe the affair is over, and the stalker intent on vengeance for the pain he believes you have caused him. Both the delusional stalker and the hangdog stalker have the potential to become vengeful stalkers.
There is a new computer-age variation on the vengeful stalker – the cyber-stalker. He operates much like the identity thief, messing on-line with your credit accounts, your financial records, changing your name in computer databases, and so on. But, unlike the identity thief, his intention is not to steal money from you (though he may) but to make your life more painful. (Other vengeful stalkers might include people like disgruntled customers, road ragers, and others, such as the ex-employee who returns to a company from which he's been fired armed to the teeth and "goes postal" on his former bosses and co-workers. But most victims are stalked by people who think they're "in love" with them and possibly angry that they are rejecting them.)

Second, take action. Don't be passive, and for heaven's sake, don't encourage the fool.

If you are breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend, make it quick and final (For tips on breaking up, read how to break up with someone and 50 Mostly Immature and Hurtful Ways to Leave Your Lover). Don't drag things out. Make your last conversation absolutely your last conversation – do not talk to that person again.

Third, never assume that because a stalker has never been violent in the past he cannot be violent in the future.

Protect yourself against potential attack. How? Here are a few of the many things you can and should do:
    Dog
  1. Avoid leaving yourself open to attack. More and more, Web bloggers are inviting attacks by simply making their opinions known far and wide. People advertising themselves on dating personals web sites also run a risk. If you can't take precautions and you can't defend yourself from potential stalkers, you should go to great lengths to maintain anonymity.
  2. Move away and keep your address a secret; get a postal box; un-list your phone number.
  3. Get a dog. Train it to protect you on command and to be alert for intruders.
  4. Learn self-defense. Carry Mace or pepper spray. Whether you choose to carry a gun is up to you and the laws of your community; however, carrying a firearm when you are untrained in its use or you are not prepared to actually kill your stalker leaves you open to having your own weapon turned on you. (read 7 Simple Self-Defense Tricks)
    5. Woman with cellphone
  5. Carry a cell phone with you at all times.
  6. Never respond to a stalker's attentions, not even to shout at him; your attention, even negative attention, is all positive to him.
  7. At work, have fellow employees screen your calls and visitors.
  8. Think twice about obtaining a restraining order. Too often, it does little to protect you and only serves to infuriate the stalker.
  9. Know the locations of police stations and 24-hour convenience stores.
    10. Police Station
  10. If you suspect you're being followed in your car, make four right or four left turns. If the car is still following you, head for the police station.
  11. Join a psychological support group.
  12. Install a security system and motion-sensitive outdoor lighting.
None of these things that fend off a stalker actually gets rid of him. That's virtually impossible. Even when imprisoned for making threats or carrying them out, the stalker can't be kept under lock and key forever unless he has murdered his prey. He is likely to be released from prison within five years and come out still intent upon getting his way... or his revenge.

 

Be aware that a stalker, even when not being a physical threat, can do a great deal of psychological damage. The majority of 100 stalking victims followed in a recent study published in the American Journal of Psychiatry had to make significant changes in their work habits or abandon their work altogether; they became far less socially active, and hunkered down in their homes. Anxiety (For more information regarding anxiety, read The guide to generalized anxiety disorder), sleep problems, post traumatic stress disorder (For more tidbits regarding post traumatic stress disorder, see The guide to post traumatic stress disorder), and newly-developed substance abuse became common. The subjects felt powerless and depressed, and a quarter of the group actively considered suicide. No, you generally can't get rid of a stalker. But you can, and should, as much as possible, take control of the situation. Defend yourself, do some research, connect with other victims, and do what you can to maintain your sanity. If you enjoyed reading this article, you'll be interested to read how to prevent identity theft.

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  1. January 10th, 2010 at 2:03 am    shall Says:

    Here is a little tip…. car stalking… I have had that ALOT by MR RUSSIAN stalker… what you do is… NOT DRIVE TO YOUR HOME ADDRESS!!! You slow your vehicle down a little and see if they slow down too. Most people are impatient drivers and will overtake. Another tip is do a few left turns and then pull over… The stalker will have to either follow, pull over behind you ( which they WILL NOT do) or pass around you. Normally they will be dumb and follow you… and then as you pull over… they pass… get their car registration plate… and make some type of record of it. then if you feel unsettled drive to a police station and report the incident to them.

  2. January 10th, 2010 at 1:59 am    shall Says:

    Well….. I had a Russian stalker for 12 years… and about 4 years of them I did not realise he was there… an arch enemy of his let me know that he was following me. I ended up moving employment and opted to go out west to a small country town area. Best move I ever made. Alas.. he still tracked me down a few years later but gave up after I was married for 5 years…. All I did was ignore that he was there… I saw him there alot… It is best to not catch their eyes when you notice them watching you in public… Otherwise… if he did catch me seeing him he would smile as if ‘he had one a point’ or something… Just a BIG old game! I kept a little journal of the events just in case something happened to me… It helps if other people that are known to you witness the stalking aswell… makes you feel a little more sane… :)

  3. September 2nd, 2009 at 6:46 am    VT Says:

    No contact! I’ve been stalked for almost nine years now…the stalker clearly has DSM IV Cluster B issues. She uses “proxies” by manipulating my friends, family and co-workers. I now avoid all other people except my immediate family and co-workers to avoid her though as you can imagine she constantly plagues me at work. Her third-party physical violence has not been too damaging yet…a few bruises and many threats. Oddly enough, she is a trial lawyer and like many cluster B types, actually plays the victim (i.e., he doesn’t like me and won’t hang out w/ me…do damage to him)…as if I’m required to spend time w/ a psycho. Amazing though that people fall for her lies and manipulation.

    - Tired of the stalker

  4. August 4th, 2009 at 12:30 pm    Anno. Says:

    Lauren& Eliz……. Call the police anyone who knocks on your window like that call the cops….

  5. June 29th, 2009 at 4:12 pm    manea Says:

    also, don’t appear to be affected by your stalker’s actions. coz for your stalker, that’s the aim – to piss you off so much, that you’ll give in. talk to people you trust. tell them about your situation so they can help you.

  6. June 29th, 2009 at 4:06 pm    manea Says:

    ok, first. do NOT put up too much personal info on sites like Facebook, MySpace, etc. try your best to get to know people really well before you trust them with stuff. get to know their friends so that you know that the person isn’t starved for attention and isn’t a loner. if you meet someone in person, after only knowing them online, meet in a crowded place that you know your way around, but don’t usually frequent much. it’s always better to be safe than sorry even if you have to be super alert all the time.

    i had a stalker once. he was someone i’d dated and then broken up with. he started following me everywhere. his friend stayed near my house and he’d crash with him pretty often. so as soon as i’d get out of my house, i’d find my stalker following me. everywhere. even when i’d get out to walk my dog. he’d call and say stuff like someone would kidnap me if i wasn’t with him. it was scary. i had to delete my Facebook profile and all my blogs. he’d even call at home at all odd hours. thankfully i got my older bro to scare the shit out of him and he’s stopped now. thank god!

    i guess my only advice is to get someone older involved if the situation gets really out of hand. safety is of paramount importance. so whether you’re in the closet, or have had a secret relationship, or whatever, just do whatever it takes to get rid of the stalker before it gets worse.

  7. June 17th, 2009 at 2:41 pm    Eric Says:

    I wrote the last post.

    I need some good advice on my situation. Im being drivin insane by some freak psycho that wont stop calling my house/work/and cell. I have beaten him senceless for calling, but if i dont answer my cell.. he calls my house continueously over and over. Its actually my moms house so it causes problems when my mom answers and he just breathes in the phone. He calls my work and says he is all these different people looking for me. He has stolen over $1,000 dollars worth of property from me (so that i will try to get it back).

    I cant change my moms house number that she has had for 23 years. I want to change my cell, but im afraid that he will just freak out completely and try ruining my life. Nobody knows that i am bisexual and that is his leverage to keep me in his clutch. As much as i dont want anyone to know.. im thinking about just saying it so i can end all this..

    is there any other way? plz help.

  8. June 14th, 2009 at 12:08 pm    Eric Says:

    This article helped me a lot.

    I am actualy being stalked by a man. We met online and started meeting in person. After about 3 months of being friends I started noticing how dramatic and bipolar he acted. He has a low self-estem, and believes that i am perfect.

    I work next to my moms work, and he moved into the house next to our works, and everyday when i leave he is sitting or standing around the corner. I never know where hes gonna pop out of.. but he is always somewhere. He always wants to fight, scream, make a huge scene, and cry. He takes anything he can get that i have as some reminder of me or something. Its really a scary situation.

    My main problem is that nobody knows that i am interested in guys, and he is using it to his advantage. I dont believe my personal life is anyones business, and would be devistating to my life if anyone found out. I have tried everything to get him away. Ive beaten him to a bloody pulp for calling my mom about 300 times in a row for two days nostop. nothing works. Now that we dont speak.. he thinks im a monster, and is filled with hate. Im about to quit my jobs and just leave.

  9. June 9th, 2009 at 12:34 pm    stephanie Says:

    my advice, speaking from experience, once i realized that i didnt want to be with him and he wasnt going to accept it…I soooo started turning him off, while yes its true that they see you as perfect and you can do no wrong, i did EVERYTHING i knew he hated in a woman, i farted in his presence i would pick off his plate, i tried to be 10x as clingy as he was with me, and it worked =D it took four months of turning the tables on him, but it worked lmao he was like i dont know what got into you but this just isnt working, i love you so much and always will and never wanted to hurt you…but i cant do this anymore haha it was amazing, i was actually very proud of myself, and it ALWAYS makes for a funny story =D hope this helps ladies and sometimes guys

  10. June 4th, 2009 at 7:51 am    Anonymous Says:

    Matt

    Trust me that will not work. I am a stalker, it’s a sort of subconscious thing. I am at school so I guess I just subconsciously walk where I know she will be. I only realised I was when one of my friends told me that the girl was really scared of me and thought I was a stalker. Afterwards I cut myself and avoided her since. I have always been afraid of scaring people since. It was two years ago and I still feel terrible about that let alone what I still do. I am just unaware of things that I do that make girls scared. I am never going to hurt anyone but I am still scared of scaring people. It is still driving me to hate other stalkers and myself, it pushes me towards social isolation. I have gone from then when I had a normal life to know where I have about 5 friends, probably the only people I know who understand.
    I desperately want to help victims of stalkers.

    What I can say is a stalker can be stopped by threats for a short time only. The only thing that can stop them permanently is someone else. A fake myspace account might work. Make one start saying nice things to them when you a running them down with your real account.

    Don’t appear to be afraid, just be uninterested and negative, and try not to ignore just make conversations boring.
    The longer they know you the more obsessed they become. Particularly if they spend long times alone.

    One other thing is they will see you as perfect. And as you are not they will ignore facts or love you for your faults.

    They want to have a relationship with you, it probably depends on the person but I just want to be friends with the girl in question. But I almost worship her and hate others for not doing the same, I am jealous of anyone who she knows.

    I hope this has helped,

    But can I ask I want to apologise to my victims but I am afraid of further damage, any advice.
    And how could I find out if someone is scared of me (I can’t ask because then she will be.)

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