We all like to be genuinely admired for who we are. We get flattered with “secret admirers,” although sometimes, even the seemingly friendly gestures of an admirer can get out of control. You freak out when you know that someone’s always leaving flowers inside your locker or chocolates on your desk every day, but doesn’t leave his or her name. Maybe someone keeps sending you inspirational quotes via text messaging or through e-mail, but you don’t know who he or she is. Worse, you do know who your “secret admirer” is, but you find yourself not attracted to him or her. Before you resort to more drastic measures, here are some ways you can get rid of an unwanted admirer.

When Admiration is a Good Thing

Many relationships start from admiration. Admiration is a good thing when you’re open-minded and if you’re open to relationships. You may know a lot of couples that started out with one secretly admiring the other. The really romantic bit is when you realize that you also admire your admirer, and you can’t wait to see the sparks fly.

When Admiration is a Bad Thing

Even heaps of genuine admiration can be a bad thing. When your admirer becomes obsessed with you, or when acts of admiration dramatically interfere with your daily life, you may need to get rid of that person. Here are some examples:

• At first, you may feel flattered that you keep on receiving gifts and tokens and messages from a “secret admirer.” The problem is that your admirer’s identity becomes so elusive that you find yourself really bothered.
• You’re already committed to somebody (like you’re engaged, married, or that you’re in a stable romantic relationship with someone else). Your classmates or your officemates know this, and they respect your limits. You still get gifts like flowers or receive romantic messages by an anonymous admirer, so it puts some unneeded strain on your relationship with your significant other.



• After a few weeks or months of gifts, you kind of feel uncomfortable with all the attention you’re getting. You wish things would go back to normal, because you feel that you’re being stalked by your secret admirer, who may admire you so much to the point of being possessive.
• When you finally uncover the identity of your secret admirer, you find yourself a bit disappointed. It’s not that you don’t appreciate the person, it’s just that you were expecting someone else. You’re appreciative of the kind and thoughtful gestures, but you just don’t see yourself pursuing a friendship, much less a commitment, with your admirer.

Maybe You’re Overreacting…

Some people tend to inflate their egos a bit too much, and say they have an “unwanted secret admirer” just because someone left a small gift for them at the office. Instead of making people aware of your unwanted admirer, you may come across as an egotistical attention-seeker who makes a problem out of a non-issue. Unless you’re really bothered and you feel that you’re being stalked, there’s nothing wrong with having an admirer at school or at the office.

Before you react violently to gestures of friendship or even a secret courtship, you should realize that your admirer got out of his or her way to show admiration and appreciation for you. It may feel weird, but it does feel good to be appreciated by somebody. Besides, doesn’t it give you that warm fuzzy feeling inside that someone out there admires and appreciates you because you’re just being you?

It Will Pass

Admiration can sometimes be just a phase that people go through, and it usually doesn’t last. Often the best way to deal with an unwanted admirer is to do nothing. Instead of overreacting, you can take the admiration in stride. By ignoring your admirer, he or she will eventually get the hint that you want nothing to do with him or her, or that you value a friendship or a professional relationship more than a romantic commitment.

Don’t Change Yourself

One of the worst things you can do to discourage your secret admirer is to change yourself so that he or she will no longer admire you. You don’t have to be the exact opposite of who you are just because you feel bothered by an unwanted admirer. The key is to take control of the situation, not for the situation to take control of you.

While you may feel a bit bothered or uncomfortable with having a secret admirer, remember that you don’t have to change a bit to get rid of your admirer. You don’t have to wear unfashionable clothes or even mutilate yourself just because you want your admirer to go away.

Be Direct, But Be Kind

If you do decide to tell your admirer to back off, you should do so in a kind and nice way. Remember that everyone is lovable and capable, and your admirer went to great lengths just to show you how much he or she admires you for who you are. To reject your admirer may be hurtful, but you can always do it in a nice and graceful way. Everyone has feelings, and are protective of what they feel. Your admirer gave you small gifts and tokens of admiration, and it would be so callous and insensitive of you to give hostile reactions.

Be direct. You can say, “I appreciate the gifts, and thank you for your admiration, but I’d rather not give you false hopes.” Or you can say, “I just don’t see how this can work out.” Your admirer will probably be hurt, but not as much if you hurt his or her feelings by throwing the gifts away. Give the benefit of the doubt to your admirer that he or she is sincere in his or her actions, but you should also stand firm in what you feel. There’s no use forcing yourself to admire someone you don’t have feelings for.

Know When the Line is Crossed

There’s a very thin line between genuine admiration and stalking. Some people may have such a strong admiration for you that it becomes unhealthy for them and extremely uncomfortable for you. An admirer may start to acquire personal information like your address, phone number, and e-mail addresses that he or she can use to threaten you into liking him or her back. The really dangerous part is if your admirer develops an attitude that says, “If I can’t have you, nobody will.”

When your admirer starts to turn your life around for the worse, you need to take some serious steps to prevent the situation from becoming dangerous. The best way to deal with a dangerous unwanted admirer is to call the police or the local authorities. You may even need to go to court to acquire a restraining order against your admirer if he or she turns into a really scary stalker.

Admiration may be a good thing, but excessive unwanted admiration can pose a problem for many people. While we all want to be admired, we all need to draw the line between genuine admiration and a dark obsession. With these tips, you can help yourself deal with an unwanted admirer, and move on with your life as best you can.