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How to get rid of stuff » Personal » How to Get Rid of Grown Children Living at Home
 

How to Get Rid of Grown Children Living at Home

April 12th, 2007 by MartinDodge
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In some societies, the idea of large extended families all living under one roof – grandparents, parents, children, grandchildren – is warmly embraced. But when their kids grow up, most American parents would rather they go off and start their own families, start their own careers, or just start their own cars and drive away, leaving Mom and Dad behind to recuperate.

Who says you can never go home?

Right now, an estimated 18 million adult children, at latest count, have returned to their parents' houses to live (though, undoubtedly, some of this number never left to begin with). Some have brought with them wives and their own children. Why? It's mostly economics, or so they say. For one reason or another – unemployment, underemployment, divorce, illness, disability -- they say they cannot buy or rent a place of their own. For some, however, the old homestead is no longer a refuge but has become a place of permanent comfort. They have taken root and have no intention of leaving. Meanwhile, mom and dad's initial desire to give their offspring a helping hand has turned into a longing to give them the boot. They wish Junior would vamoose and let them get their "real" lives back, the ones they gave up long ago to raise kids. They've had enough of Junior's heavy metal band practicing out in the garage or Junior Miss tying up the phone line and the bathroom for hours. Maybe mom and pop are dropping hints, but the kids aren't picking up on them. They can be very difficult to dislodge.

Before the situation reaches a crisis, you really should do something. But what?

  1. Realize that, after a certain amount of time, you're not really helping your children grow by keeping them at home well into their adulthood. They are not learning to become independent while they are dependent upon you. For their own good, you've got to help them get out. (This doesn't hold, however, if all of you are actually enjoying this situation and growing and thriving through it. It's also a different story when the kids lack the physical or mental capacity to be on their own.)
  2. Air your grievances. Hold a family meeting to explain the problems being created by your child's extended stay; brainstorm ways around those problems. Don't make it a family fight, but do get down to realities. Together, come up with some plans for getting those kids to be more independent and to stand on their own two (or more) feet.
  3. Set a time limit. Past a certain date, your big babies must begin contributing a significant amount to covering household expenses. At that time, you might have them sign a contract stating their obligations (including assigned household chores).

What are some problem-solving options?

  • You could offer to find Junior his own apartment and pay the rent for, say, a year. If it's an apartment complex with plenty of young singles and a spa, you'll have no problem convincing him to move on. Naturally, this can be an expensive option, but you might be able to pay the rent simply out of what you save off of feeding your big lug at home.
  • Convert your detached garage to an apartment. This is also expensive, but it not only makes the house a more pleasant place in which to live (by getting Junior out of it), it ultimately becomes a capital asset that adds value when you sell the house. The downside is that if you don't restrict visitation privileges, Junior will still be showing up for every meal and to watch the big screen TV while drinking Dad's beer.
  • Find Junior a job, insist that taking it is a prerequisite for his staying, and then charge him exorbitant rent. He will quickly seek out more affordable housing.
  • If your little darling can't hold a job, find out why. Get him tested for conditions like attention deficit disorder and help get it corrected.
  • Marry him off to a girl whose family doesn't reject the idea of providing both him and his lucky bride food and shelter. Who knows, maybe they will even have a job for him.
If you don't think you can do it on your own, you might pay a life coach to help you, someone like Ellen Gibran-Hesse, a professional psychologist, at her site called Kids Out Now.

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  1. October 22nd, 2009 at 4:10 pm    Stewie Says:

    Throw the bums out !!

  2. May 31st, 2009 at 4:36 am    eme Says:

    Try this restrict or turn off the internet or change password, password the TV box blocking everything, if they want to “borrow” money hold their Xbox hostage until paid back. Stock the frig with foods you love and they hate. These are all the things my wife won’t let me do. Life is good for my two as they made all these yuppie choices with a slacker pocketbook and now they are back. Joke is- in not too long they will be as old as me and want to retire: to what, on what???????????????

  3. May 31st, 2009 at 4:22 am    eme Says:

    I think life is good espcially as (Step)Mom and (Step)Dad are established. Kids live like there is no tomorrow in this virtual world. The will have a internet before heat, and Xbox before car insurance and cellphone with no job. Why not live where there is heat, air, water, electric, internet and a full frig, if the trip to Taco Bell is too much work. Trouble is that someday (soon) their health will become poor and they will want to retire like I do, and they “won’t have a pot to piss in” as they are draining me dry! Joke will be on them.

  4. September 23rd, 2008 at 1:09 pm    Evil step mom Says:

    No tip but I need help bad! My husband and I recently married a year ago. It is a second marriage for both of us. We have grown children, seperatly. His oldest works just bought a house, wife beautiful daughter, doing great! His youngest, WON’T work has lost every job he ever had and my husband yells, argues, talks, threatens, does everything and this young adult will get a job only when he knows it is getting to the wire. My kids work, go to school and doing what is expected, my twins both live on their own and have seperate apartments. I don’t know what to do, basically i keep my mouth zipped, but it is putting a real strain on me emotionally to have to come home from working and cook for him, clean up after him, do his laundry and pay for his bills. I am done! Someone help please.

  5. August 12th, 2008 at 11:39 am    Marshelle says Says:

    i have not moved or changed my mind about kicking out my daughter’s boyfriend. My daughter is so mad, annoyed even though she said she understood from the beginning and told us, her parents, that he was going to leave so we didn’t have to tell them again. If that’s the case then, why is she and he giving me attitude. I’m sticking to my guns.

  6. August 11th, 2008 at 12:57 pm    Marshelle says Says:

    No Tip; But please help with advice. My husband and I have 3 grown children ages 25, a 24 yr old with a child, and a 19 year old male who also has a child. The problems started when we tried to help all of our children, especially those two with children, by helping with transportation and financial help. Further problems occurred when we allowed the babies’ mother/father to reside with us as well temporarily. We started seeing conflicts/resentments/anger between both sets of families (my daugters’ family and my son’s family) and today the tension is better but still a problem. My son’s girlfriend and child decided to move back with her mother. I am glad because she seemed like she did not want to get to know us as a family or participate. Now, my daughter who has been been back home with us for 10 months after leaving her child’s father in another state due to his behavior is now asking us to allow him to stay temporariy instead of just 3 days. She said he has changed and will find work. Well, three days turned into seven days and now looks as if he doesn’t plan on leaving. Our daughter yelled and disrespected her dad and I for not wanting to help them, help him, since his family are not role models for him and don’t care about him or her well being. Our point is that he is now 26 and we have helped three times before, sending money, plane tickets for daughter and granddaughter to come home when they/he gets out of order, and opening our home twice to all of them. I even allowed my oldest child and my other daughter to use the car daily for work, finish college and transportation to daycare to save for their own car in order to get better education to support self and daughter. The problem here is that not only do my daughter want her child’s father to reside with us once more but to add him onto use of car for his job hunt/work. That now makes 4 people using one car and has created conflict between them and my 19 yr old who want his “dibs” on the car so he can work too. Sometimes I feel like going outside and flattening all tires so there’s nothing more to argue about.
    Father and I feel very used, burdened, and home dishonored. We know it is the right thing to do to help out your child who is single parent, or the other children so that they can eventually manage themselves with finances, etc. but we feel we are being asked for too much especially when my daughter (with the child) had a melt down early one morning and told Dad and I where to get off because “we didn’t want to help them” , help him because we asked her boyfriend to leave the house. He and she are the ones who should handle their business not mom and dad and as soon as another argument occurs break up again. Look at the money and time that is lost each time they do this. The wear and tear on my car, and bad relationship that is developing amongst my daughter/baby father and my son.

    My husband and I planned a vacation for 7 days and want to go alone but we don’t want them to stay in house alone. It’s just terrible when big kids can’t get along , fighting over cars, food, whose’s in the house and instead work with each other with items from our help. My daughter wants to feel safe and feels our environment and family is good for them, for her babys father. She refuses to go anywhere out of state with him again. But, it’s still a bit much to ask Mom & Dad to be a sitter to their relationship and to continue to help when we have tried time and time again. It’s getting old!

  7. July 3rd, 2008 at 11:07 am    Cherry D Says:

    I’ve been down this road long ago. My son got his girlfriend pregnant and married her. They were both teenagers. He always had a job but as far as contributing to the costs of his little family I footed the bill. So when I saw that he was squandering his money instead of helping support his family I had to do the tough love thing and tell him to move. I said to him ” You have created a family. I’m proud you tried to do what you thought was right and married her. Now it is time to go out and support her and daughter.” He was mad as h— for awhile but eventually saw the wisdom in what I said. I missed my granddaughter terribly but knew her mother would do the best she could to care for her daughter. Today son still struggles because he has never been a good money manager. So I tell myself that’s his choice and get on with my life.
    Lee, Is your husband married to you or the children? Leave the situation but make rules before you leave. If husband wants you back tell him only if children are out of the house supporting themselves and stay out, no coming back except for visits or a catastrophe. If he doesn’t want you back it will be painful but at least you know where you stand with him.

    Debbie, Retreat and force her to be the mother she needs to be. Tell her you will not be her 24 hour unpaid baby sitter or cook or housekeeper. Offer to help her organize her time so she can be with her children. One doesn’t stop being a mother because of work or getting an education. Tell her you admire what she is trying to do but she needs to help raise her children as she accomplishes her educational goals. Don’t allow your love for your grandchildren to rule your life and ruin hers. Love means helping one another not foisting our problems onto someone else such as Gramma!

    People, including our children, will use us only if we allow them to. Helping our children means; helping only if something happens beyond their control and they need our help to get through it. Anything else is abusing a parents love and if they truly loved their parents they would not be so quick to take advantage of our generous hearts.

  8. June 29th, 2008 at 8:33 pm    Debbie Says:

    I have a 22 year old son and a 20 year old daughter. Our story is very much the same as yours, they eat us out of house and home don’t pay rent, come and go as they please only do things when threatened etc. Recently, my husband and I went on a trip, our first in years because we can’t leave the house for fear that the little darlings will trash the place while we’re gone. True to form when we returned the house was not in good shape. We threw a fit and told my son to get out. He moved out got a job and is doing pretty well. He hates us now and won’t have anything to do with us. It breaks my heart but it’s a relief not to have to put up with him anymore. We hope in time he’ll come around but don’t hold out too much hope for this. My daughter is still at home and is now working. We would really like her to move out as well so I am working on her and being tougher with her but I have a feeling that it’s going to be awhile before she leaves. My advice is not to let things get so bad that you end up losing it and throwing your child out on their ear. Make your intentions clear and don’t feel guilty. They survive quite nicely on their. You deserve a life and you don’t owe them any explanations for this. Good Luck!

  9. June 25th, 2008 at 10:14 am    Topher Says:

    OK so I got a bit of advice here! As I was one of these kids living at home with my Grandma! Basically she took the advantages of living at home away from me. I’m talking she stopped cooking me dinner every night, removed cable access from my room, and begin leaving me bills to pay! She stopped treating me like family and treated me like a roommate. But then she kept up the annoying things family do when you live there like nagging! It came down to stay and pay her and put up with all this or move out and do it on my own and have more freedom. I’m telling you this worked for me!

  10. June 6th, 2008 at 11:39 am    Jennifer Says:

    A friend of mine’s parents still had her brother living at home – in his late 30s. Finally, they got tired of asking him to move out, so they moved instead. I imagine that for most people, just moving into a smaller place and saying there’s no room for you would work. In their case, they actually moved across the country, too.

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