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How to Get Rid of Grown Children Living at Home
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In some societies, the idea of large extended families all living under one roof – grandparents, parents, children, grandchildren – is warmly embraced. But when their kids grow up, most American parents would rather they go off and start their own families, start their own careers, or just start their own cars and drive away, leaving Mom and Dad behind to recuperate.
Who says you can never go home?
Right now, an estimated 18 million adult children, at latest count, have returned to their parents’ houses to live (though, undoubtedly, some of this number never left to begin with). Some have brought with them wives and their own children. Why? It’s mostly economics, or so they say. For one reason or another – unemployment, underemployment, divorce, illness, disability — they say they cannot buy or rent a place of their own.
For some, however, the old homestead is no longer a refuge but has become a place of permanent comfort. They have taken root and have no intention of leaving. Meanwhile, mom and dad’s initial desire to give their offspring a helping hand has turned into a longing to give them the boot. They wish Junior would vamoose and let them get their “real” lives back, the ones they gave up long ago to raise kids. They’ve had enough of Junior’s heavy metal band practicing out in the garage or Junior Miss tying up the phone line and the bathroom for hours. Maybe mom and pop are dropping hints, but the kids aren’t picking up on them. They can be very difficult to dislodge.
Before the situation reaches a crisis, you really should do something. But what?
- Realize that, after a certain amount of time, you’re not really helping your children grow by keeping them at home well into their adulthood. They are not learning to become independent while they are dependent upon you. For their own good, you’ve got to help them get out. (This doesn’t hold, however, if all of you are actually enjoying this situation and growing and thriving through it. It’s also a different story when the kids lack the physical or mental capacity to be on their own.)
- Air your grievances. Hold a family meeting to explain the problems being created by your child’s extended stay; brainstorm ways around those problems. Don’t make it a family fight, but do get down to realities. Together, come up with some plans for getting those kids to be more independent and to stand on their own two (or more) feet.
- Set a time limit. Past a certain date, your big babies must begin contributing a significant amount to covering household expenses. At that time, you might have them sign a contract stating their obligations (including assigned household chores).
What are some problem-solving options?
- You could offer to find Junior his own apartment and pay the rent for, say, a year. If it’s an apartment complex with plenty of young singles and a spa, you’ll have no problem convincing him to move on. Naturally, this can be an expensive option, but you might be able to pay the rent simply out of what you save off of feeding your big lug at home.
- Convert your detached garage to an apartment. This is also expensive, but it not only makes the house a more pleasant place in which to live (by getting Junior out of it), it ultimately becomes a capital asset that adds value when you sell the house. The downside is that if you don’t restrict visitation privileges, Junior will still be showing up for every meal and to watch the big screen TV while drinking Dad’s beer.
- Find Junior a job, insist that taking it is a prerequisite for his staying, and then charge him exorbitant rent. He will quickly seek out more affordable housing.
- If your little darling can’t hold a job, find out why. Get him tested for conditions like attention deficit disorder and help get it corrected.
- Marry him off to a girl whose family doesn’t reject the idea of providing both him and his lucky bride food and shelter. Who knows, maybe they will even have a job for him.
If you don’t think you can do it on your own, you might pay a life coach to help you, someone like Ellen Gibran-Hesse, a professional psychologist, at her site called Kids Out Now.
No tip but I need help bad! My husband and I recently married a year ago. It is a second marriage for both of us. We have grown children, seperatly. His oldest works just bought a house, wife beautiful daughter, doing great! His youngest, WON’T work has lost every job he ever had and my husband yells, argues, talks, threatens, does everything and this young adult will get a job only when he knows it is getting to the wire. My kids work, go to school and doing what is expected, my twins both live on their own and have seperate apartments. I don’t know what to do, basically i keep my mouth zipped, but it is putting a real strain on me emotionally to have to come home from working and cook for him, clean up after him, do his laundry and pay for his bills. I am done! Someone help please.
i have not moved or changed my mind about kicking out my daughter’s boyfriend. My daughter is so mad, annoyed even though she said she understood from the beginning and told us, her parents, that he was going to leave so we didn’t have to tell them again. If that’s the case then, why is she and he giving me attitude. I’m sticking to my guns.
No Tip; But please help with advice. My husband and I have 3 grown children ages 25, a 24 yr old with a child, and a 19 year old male who also has a child. The problems started when we tried to help all of our children, especially those two with children, by helping with transportation and financial help. Further problems occurred when we allowed the babies’ mother/father to reside with us as well temporarily. We started seeing conflicts/resentments/anger between both sets of families (my daugters’ family and my son’s family) and today the tension is better but still a problem. My son’s girlfriend and child decided to move back with her mother. I am glad because she seemed like she did not want to get to know us as a family or participate. Now, my daughter who has been been back home with us for 10 months after leaving her child’s father in another state due to his behavior is now asking us to allow him to stay temporariy instead of just 3 days. She said he has changed and will find work. Well, three days turned into seven days and now looks as if he doesn’t plan on leaving. Our daughter yelled and disrespected her dad and I for not wanting to help them, help him, since his family are not role models for him and don’t care about him or her well being. Our point is that he is now 26 and we have helped three times before, sending money, plane tickets for daughter and granddaughter to come home when they/he gets out of order, and opening our home twice to all of them. I even allowed my oldest child and my other daughter to use the car daily for work, finish college and transportation to daycare to save for their own car in order to get better education to support self and daughter. The problem here is that not only do my daughter want her child’s father to reside with us once more but to add him onto use of car for his job hunt/work. That now makes 4 people using one car and has created conflict between them and my 19 yr old who want his “dibs” on the car so he can work too. Sometimes I feel like going outside and flattening all tires so there’s nothing more to argue about.
Father and I feel very used, burdened, and home dishonored. We know it is the right thing to do to help out your child who is single parent, or the other children so that they can eventually manage themselves with finances, etc. but we feel we are being asked for too much especially when my daughter (with the child) had a melt down early one morning and told Dad and I where to get off because “we didn’t want to help them” , help him because we asked her boyfriend to leave the house. He and she are the ones who should handle their business not mom and dad and as soon as another argument occurs break up again. Look at the money and time that is lost each time they do this. The wear and tear on my car, and bad relationship that is developing amongst my daughter/baby father and my son.
My husband and I planned a vacation for 7 days and want to go alone but we don’t want them to stay in house alone. It’s just terrible when big kids can’t get along , fighting over cars, food, whose’s in the house and instead work with each other with items from our help. My daughter wants to feel safe and feels our environment and family is good for them, for her babys father. She refuses to go anywhere out of state with him again. But, it’s still a bit much to ask Mom & Dad to be a sitter to their relationship and to continue to help when we have tried time and time again. It’s getting old!
I’ve been down this road long ago. My son got his girlfriend pregnant and married her. They were both teenagers. He always had a job but as far as contributing to the costs of his little family I footed the bill. So when I saw that he was squandering his money instead of helping support his family I had to do the tough love thing and tell him to move. I said to him ” You have created a family. I’m proud you tried to do what you thought was right and married her. Now it is time to go out and support her and daughter.” He was mad as h— for awhile but eventually saw the wisdom in what I said. I missed my granddaughter terribly but knew her mother would do the best she could to care for her daughter. Today son still struggles because he has never been a good money manager. So I tell myself that’s his choice and get on with my life.
Lee, Is your husband married to you or the children? Leave the situation but make rules before you leave. If husband wants you back tell him only if children are out of the house supporting themselves and stay out, no coming back except for visits or a catastrophe. If he doesn’t want you back it will be painful but at least you know where you stand with him.
Debbie, Retreat and force her to be the mother she needs to be. Tell her you will not be her 24 hour unpaid baby sitter or cook or housekeeper. Offer to help her organize her time so she can be with her children. One doesn’t stop being a mother because of work or getting an education. Tell her you admire what she is trying to do but she needs to help raise her children as she accomplishes her educational goals. Don’t allow your love for your grandchildren to rule your life and ruin hers. Love means helping one another not foisting our problems onto someone else such as Gramma!
People, including our children, will use us only if we allow them to. Helping our children means; helping only if something happens beyond their control and they need our help to get through it. Anything else is abusing a parents love and if they truly loved their parents they would not be so quick to take advantage of our generous hearts.
I have a 22 year old son and a 20 year old daughter. Our story is very much the same as yours, they eat us out of house and home don’t pay rent, come and go as they please only do things when threatened etc. Recently, my husband and I went on a trip, our first in years because we can’t leave the house for fear that the little darlings will trash the place while we’re gone. True to form when we returned the house was not in good shape. We threw a fit and told my son to get out. He moved out got a job and is doing pretty well. He hates us now and won’t have anything to do with us. It breaks my heart but it’s a relief not to have to put up with him anymore. We hope in time he’ll come around but don’t hold out too much hope for this. My daughter is still at home and is now working. We would really like her to move out as well so I am working on her and being tougher with her but I have a feeling that it’s going to be awhile before she leaves. My advice is not to let things get so bad that you end up losing it and throwing your child out on their ear. Make your intentions clear and don’t feel guilty. They survive quite nicely on their. You deserve a life and you don’t owe them any explanations for this. Good Luck!
OK so I got a bit of advice here! As I was one of these kids living at home with my Grandma! Basically she took the advantages of living at home away from me. I’m talking she stopped cooking me dinner every night, removed cable access from my room, and begin leaving me bills to pay! She stopped treating me like family and treated me like a roommate. But then she kept up the annoying things family do when you live there like nagging! It came down to stay and pay her and put up with all this or move out and do it on my own and have more freedom. I’m telling you this worked for me!
A friend of mine’s parents still had her brother living at home - in his late 30s. Finally, they got tired of asking him to move out, so they moved instead. I imagine that for most people, just moving into a smaller place and saying there’s no room for you would work. In their case, they actually moved across the country, too.
Question - has anyone successfully written House Rules for these kids. My 22 yr old is coming home at the end of the month. Help!
My Gf’s little brother stays at his mom’s. Not sure if this will work, but I told them to write up a lease agreement and force him to start paying rent. In the rental agreement make sure you clearly state that they will be evicted if they miss X amount of monthly payments. You can choose how many they can miss. Add any chores into the lease agreement and also add any visitation rules into it. Any violation of these rules will result in eviction. It’s kinda harsh i know, but then again so is letting them run you bankrupt.
I recommend telling to leave. If they say that they don’t have a job, tell them that they need to go out and find one.
These are adults who can go out on their own. They have arms, legs and and other functional organs (including hopefully a brain). You are not the state welfare system.
You are parents. Act as parents and teach them how to be functional in the world.
If they don’t leave, shut the power and water off. Change the locks on the doors and put their stuff outside.
I didn’t have anyone allowing me to move back in for free when I was young. I learned a lot of values and morals about being self-sufficient.
No tip, but need help badly! I’m at the end of my rope. I am really considering leaving my husband because I have no support from my husband of 24 years. We NEVER have a harsh word between us until it comes to these adults. They are our children together, a daughter 24,and a son 20. The boy has a job, but contributes nothing to the household expenses but eats and sleeps us out of home, the daughter has left three times to go shack up the the baby daddy, but came back each time. After she she left the last time, I asked my husband not to let her come back, aI went to work and when I got home she and the baby were back. She has not job and she allows us to claim the baby at tax time, while she sleeps all day and takes him to day care. She is another one that claims that she cannot get a job, I don’t think she is even looking…
Both of them complian about washing dishes, vacuuming, washing clothes, anything that is required to keep a house going, and even cleaning their rooms…
I don’t mean to make my husband sound like some push over, its just that his parents were really mean to him, and I know he dosen’t want them feeling like he did prior to meeting me…
I need some sincere HELP!
They buy no food
No Tip,It was nice to know I am not the only one out there,of coarse I know there are many. My 23 year old daughter and her two children live with me and my husband. I adore my grandbabies,they are the only reason she’s still here.She moved out once for 6 months.She goes to college and works.We don’t get along, she is very disrespectful and ungratful,she constantly yells at the kids.She is always on the computer or phone and does not give the children the attention they need.Some days I just want to runaway.I always come back to what will happen to the grandchildren.My granddaughter wants me to do everything for her,I try to tell her to let her mom do it,but she says her mom is mean. My heart is breaking. I need help!!!!
No tip here either, just ranting. My girlfriend and I are supporting her 20 year old son who refuses to get a job or help around the house. He takes 20-35 minute showers, TWICE A DAY, never cleans up after himself, expects his mother to pay for all of his clothing, food, movies rentals, clothing, and all he does is play games on his damn computer and watch tv all day. He had a fit when the internet went down for two days because “I have nothing to do!” GET A JOGB!!! CALL WALMART!!! GET OUT!!! I am so sick of this little, lazy, sponge.
His lack of ambition to have a life is putting a huge strain on me and his mother. I don’t know where to turn or what to do anymore. I’ve tried talking to him, but he ignores me and cries to my girlfriend, “I will not listen to the mother f@*$%r. He’s not my father.” I’ve never wanted to hit anyone in my life till now. I’m at a loss. I’m damned if I do. Damned if I don’t…
Not a tip but need advice. I have read all the posts and have found a few possible answers, but I’m feeling so badly because after about 2 years of our daughter who is 25 living back at home we told her to change some things (repeatedly)like she has at least 1 DUI when she ran off the road and people nearby called the police and 1 public intoxication charge in a town about 95 miles from here. She works part time and parties most every night. She lies and hides things from us, she has always done this. So 3 days ago, we told her to change some things or to find another place to live. She is not financially able, but will not find another job. I’m going crazy. I am bipolar and think she could be too, but she won’t seek help. I don’t know where she is right now or if she’s still working. We are on a fixed income disability. So although we have helped her some in the past, we just can’t. She pays nothing to live here does no chores not even her own. Help!
No tip - just venting.
I think I’ve got you all beat - My brother-in-law is 45 and he and his 17 year old son live with his parents, who are 81 and 84. He has only lived away once for 9 months after his son was born, until his ex-wife left and then he moved back home. My wife and I blame his parents for sheltering him for so long. Not to mention, their grandson is a Senior in HS and hasn’t worked a day yet - his money and gas come from his grandparents. My b-i-l is a trucker and doesn’t keep a steady schedule and when he needs money; well, guess where that comes from. Once his parents are gone - well who knows where they’ll end up?
I have tryed a lot of things Includidng “Get the **** out, Please” I even said “I will call the cops” My eldest son moved out then came back with a pregnant girlfriend. then they got put out and when she had the baby they had to move back in because nobody wanted them in their homes now almost a year later they are still here, and his father keeps making up excuses of why he (Our Son) can’t move out yet!!! now my youngest son had to move back in 4 months ago! I want him gone too! our 23 year old daughter whom has never moved out is going to leave on the 1st of next move! I’m turning her room into a gym!!!! What to do about the other two???
My brother still lives at home, he’s 21. college drop out, never got round to trying out at uni, and only has a weekend job. My mum has told him to go looking for a job, he responded by sending ONE application off!
So she has set him up with a jobfinding company and has told him that he has to be out by his next birthday because they are selling the house when i go to uni, they are downsizing to a cottage and he IS NOT MOVING IN WITH THEM.
i think he has got the point and he has been circling available appartments in the newspaper!
hope that helps someone.
Call his/her girl/boyfriend and tell them to come over, after sleep with them take pics. and show them.
This problem just baffles me. It is abnormal for kids in their twenties to want hang out at home with their folks. Parenst need to say it plainly, “I love you…I’ll miss you…get out.” It’s ok for parents to have a life too. That is a part of the plan so spring off offspring!
Don’t know what you people are thinking. Kids in past thier late 20’s and living at home?!?! What’s all this beating around the bush. Here’s a tip, how about telling them to get out today and start thier life. Yes today not tomorrow or the next day. You parents are raising SLUGS and DEADBEATS. Eventually I’ll have to pay taxes to support your lazy spawn!