When you're a kid, sometimes there's nothing more terrifying than the prospect of being alone and friendless. This is particularly true for teenagers, who, like all teenagers before them, find themselves having to shakily navigate the the school halls filled with other teenagers. So what's your first instinct? Band together and find strength in numbers. Finding a group usually requires something of a common ground, which would explain the stereotypes of the nerds, the populars and the jocks. Belonging in a group usually spells safety, whether real or imagined, for a teenager, who is still trying to find his or her identity in this new world beyond childhood.

What is peer pressure?

Peers are the people who you consider equals. Your classmates are your peers because you are all around the same age, have the same social background and may even live in the same neighborhood. Peer pressure is something you feel when you are pressured to do something by your peers in order to make you feel like you belong in that group. Peer pressure may also influence you to act a certain way that is not in your nature but in doing so may make you feel uncomfortable or unhappy.

Adults also experience peer pressure on a regular basis. Gossip, chain mail and invitations to “Happy Hour” on Fridays are all forms of peer pressure that some people may feel obligated to bend to in order to socialize better with their bosses, organizations, club members and officemates.

Peer pressure can have a very positive or negative effect, depending on what type of behavior it encourages you to take. At the very least, it may sway you to try things you have no real interest in and at its worst may put in you a dangerous situation. Peer pressure is also very hard to resist, often because you don't want your friends to think of you as uncool, and the easier way out is to give in. Unwillingness to conform may also lead you to be ostracized, ridiculed and even outright rejected from your group. For a teen, rejection may equal the end of the world. For an adult, being ostracized may jeopardize hopes to be singled out in the next promotion.

Why give in?

Why do people give in to peer pressure and do what they don't feel like doing? They may be feeling any of the following:

• Afraid of rejection by their peers
• They want to be liked
• They don't want to lose a friend
• They want to make more friends
• They want to look cooler
• They don't want to hurt someone's feelings
• They don't know what they want
• They don't know how to get out of that situation
• They want to be included in a more popular group
• Low self esteem
• Uncertainty with their place in the group
• No personal interests outside their group
• Isolation from one's family
• Weak ties with friends
• Fear of their peers

How Peer Pressure Works

It's human nature to socialize, and it's actually an instinct that has helped us evolve and survive. There are often unwritten rules on what acceptable group behavior is, which people may refer to as “What everyone does.” Nothing is right or wrong until the groups says so, and establishing what is acceptable or not involves many subtle forms of coercion from members of the group. In the Asch conformity experiments, Solomon Asch asked groups of students to a “vision test”, asking them to compare a line to three other lines, which ones were the same length, shorter, longer, etc. He also asked them to shout out loud their answers and it was shown that no matter how incorrect the answers are, the more other people shouted them, the more other people agreed and answered incorrectly as well.

For teenagers, what is acceptable is usually dictated by the more aggressive and popular members of the group. Seniors are viewed as cooler than freshmen due to the security of their position in the high school social strata. They've been there longer, know all the rules, and they feel confident in setting their own rules or being the safeguards of the status quo.

Spoken pressure. Spoken pressure are direct and indirect ways to encourage a particular kind of behavior by stating so vocally. Jokes made at your expense, putdowns and even insults are used in making the person feel bad to even think of rejecting a suggested action or behavior. “Only losers study on Fridays, let's go!” “You must be really be whipped by your wife at home to not join us.” “Don't be a nerd, try drugs at least once in your life” are all examples of spoken pressure.

Unspoken pressure. Unspoken pressure is when you observe common behavior or attitude shown by your peers. They may say nothing to you about it, but the way they act, dress and behave speak loud and clear about what is in and what is acceptable. You may want to lose weight, start smoking or desire certain brands of clothing in an effort to blend in better with everyone else.

How do you know you're experiencing peer pressure? It's usually preceded with feelings of unwillingness to do a certain action followed by feelings of sadness, anxiety and guilt once you cave in. You may end up berating yourself for being such a pushover and a wimp to follow someone else's instructions instead of your own gut feeling. You may even rationalize afterwards, thinking that it is okay, because after all, “Everyone does it.”

Handling Peer Pressure

Know yourself. It's often said that the teenage years are the defining years of your life, but who's to say you can't start earlier? Take a day off for yourself, sit down with a pen and paper and in two separate columns, write “Things I Like” and “Things I Don't Like”. It can range from your favorite food, TV shows to the attitude of the snobby girl in your school that you hate in people. Be honest to yourself and let the words flow. Seeing the words on paper can give you a clearer idea of who you really are, and later, you can look back on this list and see how you've changed, for better or worse.

Develop your own interests, separate from anyone else's. Take time for yourself to decide on matters like sex, alcohol and drugs. Take a stance before hearing anyone else's, research these issues and make decisions for yourself and stick with it.

Family time. Some kids turn to their friends when they are feeling isolated from their families. Spend quality time with your kids, reassuring them that there are people who will love them unconditionally. Be the first to bring up the issue of peer pressure to discuss it as a family.

Set boundaries and explain. Oftentimes, youngsters break rules because they could not see the rhyme and reason why parents have set them up in the first place. When setting rules against sex, drugs and alcohol, explain to your kids that they were not set arbitrarily, and that dabbling in these things have consequences that they may not be able to handle. Understanding the logic behind rules can be a powerful tool against peer pressure.

Introduce peers to your parents. Letting your parents in your life isn't as embarrassing as you think it will be. Your parents only want the best for you. Even if sometimes they seem not to understand you, they have a keen insight and may give you observations that you cannot see for yourself. They've been around, and they have met more people than you, so let them meet your friends and hear what they have to say about them.

For parents, don't nitpick your child's social life, but regulate how much unsupervised time they have with their friends. When your child makes a mistake, don't let them put all the blame on your friends. You may not be able to supervise other people's children, but it is your responsibility to teach your own child right from wrong, and taking responsibility for their own actions.

Stand your ground. Remember: No one can force you to do what you really don't want to do. The only thing that lends peer pressure power is when you lend it power. Sometimes just saying no isn't enough: You have to mean it. Stand up straight, look them in the eye and very clearly say no. Any suggested weakness (mumbling, sheepishness, making excuses) will clue them in that they can still push you to their side.

Be assertive, but not self-righteous. You're not obligated to explain your choices to anyone, just say no and be done with it.

For parents, teach your kids how to refuse or say no. Role-play peer pressure situations and candidly open with the realities your kids are facing in school.

The gift of fear. If you find yourself in a situation where you feel scared and deeply unsure, listen to your gut feeling: It's probably right. Nature has given us fear for a reason, and we may be picking up danger signals unconsciously. Don't question it, don't rationalize it, get out of the situation as quickly as possible. We're trained to be polite and sociable, but not at the expense of your well-being. Party becoming too wild and filled with strangers? Leave. Your date becoming too aggressive? Leave. Go to a public place as soon as possible. Call your parent or guardian immediately and don't let anyone sway you into doing otherwise.

Hang out with different people. While it may seem like a catastrophe to lose friends, remember: It's not the end of the world. Hanging out with different groups with different interests will help you grow. It will also help you avoid defining yourself by that one group you are part of.

Love yourself. Self-esteem is the key to battling peer pressure, because it often arises from wanting to be accepted, to be viewed a certain way. Knowing and accepting that you don't need other people to approve of you and your actions is the key. For parents, it's important that you don't make your children feel bad about who they are. Love yourself. Be comfortable with who you are and what you believe in. At the end of the day, it's you who has to deal with the consequences of your actions and no one else.

Peer pressure is a reality that everybody goes through. It's a challenge that we have to undertake in the journey to define our own identity and personality. With some help and guidance, the reality of peer pressure is something that your child or even yourself, can handle.