Posted on: December 6, 2006 Posted by: Nicole Harding Comments: 66

A few years back Simon and Garfunkel performed a song called “Fifty Ways to Lose Your Lover.” Although the song was musically satisfying, it sadly did not list the fifty ways. A close look at the lyrics reveals only three solid suggestions. They are: drop off the key, slip out the back, and hop on a bus. If the truth be told, those three are really all part of one very common way of getting rid of your girlfriend. It is known as the “cut and run” method. This method has several drawbacks in that if you share mutual friends, they will have to “choose a side” and you both can end up loosing friends in the process. One thing’s for sure though; you will gain an enemy. There is a better way.

Sometimes things just do not work out in relationships. Part of the problem is that romance usually begins in a blinding blaze of passion. It is not necessarily a time when your brain is acting in a reasonable fashion. The passion eventually wears off and the time comes when you have to take a serious and thoughtful look at the relationship. It is helpful when this happens to have an understanding of exactly why you have a girlfriend in the first place. It is also important to define just what exactly a girlfriend is. Girlfriends are not friends that happen to be girls. That is something different. There is a much more intimate relationship involved here. It is easy to lose sight of the fact that we are all engaging in an elaborate courting ritual and its ultimate goal is usually to find a lifelong partner.

The Clean Break

If you are looking for a life long partner, you’re bound to work through a few women in your search. It is very possible that somewhere along the line you will come to the conclusion that your current girlfriend is not really what you had in mind. So now you have to get rid of her, this is the time to think ahead. Do not be short-sighted because it’s easier than you think to cause a mess worthy of daytime television.

  1. Choose the Right Place. It is not a good idea to pick out the most romantic place you can find to break the news. Taking a girl out to a romantic place is going to prime her for something totally different than a talk about how you have determined that you just are not all that much “in to her” anymore, regardless of how honest that might be. On the other hand, an email or text message on her cell phone is not good either. If you really want her gone, you need to do it face to face so she can have closure and begin putting it behind her. A public place works best because it will usually act to restrain her from making a big scene. You also want to make sure she has her own way home.
  2. Take The Blame. One of the biggest problems people (both men and women) have these days is a selfish and weak tendency to blame everything that goes wrong on someone or something else. Don’t destroy the poor girls self esteem, or cause her to react with anger and become defensive. Tell her she didn’t do anything wrong, and that it is all your fault. The fact is, she is going to blame you anyway, and if you wanted to argue with her, you might as well not even bother breaking up.
  3. Be Strong. Breaking up needs to be an all or nothing deal. You are not going to be able to get rid of her if your suggestion is to slow down. Ex-lovers are a bit like alcohol in this respect. You need to stop completely. If you decide to take a little sip on a slow Saturday night, you are going to get hooked again, and she is going to be bugging you trying to get more face time. As you’re breaking it off with her and taking the blame, explain clearly that there is nothing that she or anyone else can do to reverse the decision. Then you have to be strong and stick with it. If you part amicably and decide to remain friends, that’s great but tell her that you still need complete separation for a while, even if she gets angry at this – stick to it!
  4. Stay Away. Now that you’ve broken the news, taken the blame, and showed her there is no hope of rekindling the relationship you should stay away from her and have absolutely no contact. If you decided to part as friends, she still needs time to stop thinking of you as her lover and move on, and you need to make sure that she gets it or you’re not going to be friends. Start talking again too early and she’ll want to fall back on old habits, and all it takes is a single moment of weakness for you to either give in or tell her off. Let her start dating again and find another boyfriend while you go out and start dating other women and once you think enough time has passed then shoot her an email to test the waters and if she’s still friendly then take it slow and ease back into a normal friendship.

This method works well with mature, self-confident women but it does have one serious drawback. Some women will become obsessed with you and simply not allow you to stay away. She may start stalking you through your circle of friends, showing up at your work, or threatening you. If this happens, you need to think strategically or soon you just might find yourself on the Jerry Springer show. You need to get her to stop as soon as possible, and only you know what the fastest way to do this is. Sit down by yourself or with a friend who can remain serious and examine her actions. Contrast her actions against what you know of her personality and past. Make a plan that will cause her to loose interest – you already know that forcefulness only made her more determined so you need to hatch a plan that will cause her to loose interest of her own volition. Be very careful here, it’s easy to go overboard – and if you do then you may be facing a whole lot of obsessive hate instead of a whole lot of obsessive love. Don’t piss her off, just create the right conditions for her to ‘decide’ that you’re no longer worth her obsession.

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66 People reacted on this

  1. “I find allowing your girlfriend to catch you masterbating to internet porn is a great way to get rid of her… ”

    And if it turnes out she doesn’t care, she might actualy be a keeper.

  2. I find allowing your girlfriend to catch you masturbating to gay porn is an even better way to get rid of her. The bonus is you can hook up with her friends that are convinced they can convert you back.

  3. I find that openly hitting (slap on the butt, an unexpected kiss, etc)on her best friend, sister, etc work well. If shes a prude, come over with a 12 inch vibrator and a large tube of lube and say “ok, the boys are about to come over, hurry up and get undressed”.

    a lot of times, it really depends on what type of person she is, and how long you guys have been dating… like anything, its finding the weak spots (things that she hates, finds annoying, etc) and exploiting them to get what you want…

  4. Not that I’ve ever used it before, but the only reason she can’t argue against is “I don’t love you anymore”.

  5. What an effing brilliant article/comments!!

    I once pretended to have a drug problem(I was living w’her and engaged at that moment). Left some needle caps around(I work in a hospital), would fall asleep at the oddest moments like whenever I was at her parents house(which actually didnt take a lot of acting).Etc.

    That being said, “masturbating to gay porn”.GENIUS!!!. Im writing that one down

  6. HAHA..OR u could just stop having good personal hygiene & make yourself Amazingly stankDAFieD! she’ll be runnin out the door when your ripe boyz come out 2 play!!….woooheeewww..

  7. WOW thats TOO funny lol. yes nasty odors is a definate turn off. AND if worse comes to worse & you’d rather not get all grimey for a week u could always Fake the grossness (like they sell joke fart spray/body odor spray at party & gag stores) hell even lettin a good ol STINK BOMB loose near her could do wonders!

  8. Fart spray might work with recent girlfriends but once you have spent to much time together she might be used to your fart 😛 just as snore wouldn’t work…
    in my modest opinion the two best tips are:
    1 – Stop spending money on her. (by WinstonSmith) and
    2 – its finding the weak spots (things that she hates, finds annoying, etc) and exploiting them to get what you want.. (by Jon)

    pretend to like things that she hates or just dont like. If you dont get out too much, start doing it. If she does not like movies, make sure you’ll get to it at least once a week. (she pays for her ticket of course) 🙂 if doing that doesn’t get you rid of her at least it will renew your relationship what may change your mind about geting rid of her in first place…

    p.s.: sorry for the bad english
    John from Brazil

  9. Being dismissive by itself is more then enough. just don’t answer her calls for a day or two, then when she gets on your case, get on her’s for being too controlling. rinse and repeat until she get’s the hint.

  10. 1. Give her the clap.
    2. Quit your job, and let her support you.
    3. Lots of drugs, constantly.
    4. Call her by her sisters’ name.
    5. Ask her for money, then claim she never gave it to you.
    6. Dress metrosexual.
    7. Tell her you want to get married.
    8. Show her old doctered photos of your gay past.
    9. Ask her to stick things in your ass.
    10. Kiss her mom at a holiday get together.

  11. I strongly advise against resorting to methods that are designed to make her dump you, that’s a coward’s way out. Just be honest with her and don’t let her convince you to give it another try.

  12. I don’t have a tip, I just wanted you to know that the song was by just Paul Simon – it first appeared on his “Still Crazy After All These Years” album, which was 1975; five years since his last album with Art Garfunkel (“Bridge Over Troubled Water”). I appreciate that Simon and Garfunkel collectively have since performed the song together, but putting ‘Simon and Garfunkel performed a song’ sounds misleading. The song in question, Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover, actually came about because the chorus had originally been a rhyme to amuse his son, Harper (named so because Harper was his wife’s – now ex-wife’s – maiden name). Oh, but a good way to get rid of your girlfriend is to say that you’re ashamed to be seen with her because of [whatever she feels insecure about], and that’s why you feel you have to break up with her.

  13. Eat disgusting, smelly food and try to make out with her. She will turn down your advances. You will immediately accuse her if sexual neglect. When she points out that your breath smells like a dead otter in a drain pipe, just shrug.

    If that doesn’t work, ask her about having a threesome. If she doesn’t run screaming for the door…set it up and enjoy.

    Or: start telling everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, every intimate detail about your sexual encounters with her. Be specific; that squeaking noise she makes when she has an orgasm, her favorite pet name for your (and her) private areas, ect..

  14. From a girls point of view: There’s nothing more unattractive to me than a guy that is more feminine than me. I had a guy chasing me who loved to talk about emotions, straightened his hair, had very feminine gestures etc. It was awful.
    Just go metro and feminine. Or you could just break up with them you know.

  15. Make the sex as terrible (or clumsy) as possible – or none at all-and don’t spend money on her. I mean, not even for a tissue.
    I’m a woman. I know. She’ll go.

  16. It’s pretty simple if you think about it. Start being “cold” don’t touch her like you use to, don’t kiss her as often as you use to. The sex can still be intense but after the climax don’t cuddle and hold her in your arms like you use to–give her your back and go to sleep. Someone mentioned it before, become distant and cold. IF she questions you about your feelings towards her tell her that you still love her. This way you can still have sex with her until she can’t take it no more and leaves you because ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THEN WORDS (I love you)..!!!!!!!!!

  17. jus ignore her, dont answer her calls, ignore her txts. she’ll soon get board of being ignored an go away! never fails

  18. I find that eating your boogers is an excuse for automatic dissmissal, u wanna be single pick ur nose eat it then hold her hand with the same hand.
    now if you will please excuse me i havn’t beaten God of War yet.

  19. Call her at least 80 times a day, and I mean every day for a week. Be sure to call when shes at work, with friends, and in meetings. Its been tried and tested and definitely works. Not even the most dedicated of girls can hold onto someone that does that with everyone telling her to ditch the guy!

  20. I’m a two-time loser. I marry the girl instead of breaking up, when I really ought to have known better. And I didn’t learn better the first time, ended up getting married again.

    From bitter experience, I’d have to say that brutal honesty is best: “I just don’t think we’re a good match. I can’t see any way that we would be happy together in the long run. There are things about me that aren’t going to change, ever, and they will eventually drive you up the wall. There are things about you that are never going to change, either, and eventually I won’t be able to stand those either. Together, we will eventually betray our true selves. If we separate now, there is a chance we could find others who would be better suited to each of us.”

    You’ll know it’s time for you to say this when (1) she doesn’t accept you, warts and all, (2) you can’t confide in her or she has betrayed your trust (3) she tries to change you, and (4) the sex is bad. If the experience isn’t overall at least 80% good with only 20% bad, it’s going to go south. Get out while you can.

  21. Some of these are great but I have a pretty good one. My boy friend and I were in bed after making love and he told me he wanted to share something with me. Being a girl I was happy he wanted to share something emotional with me. He told me that he was fingered in the butt by a guy and he gave him a blow job…and enjoyed it!!! Oh my gosh, I got up as fast as possible, threw my clothes on, and asked him to take me home. He was so happy on the way to taking me home. NASTY!!

  22. I’m late for work so I didn’t read ALL the comments here, so apologies if this or something similar has already been mentioned.

    I have found that when you are in a difficult relationship with a woman who simply refuses to let you end it graciously, you can use the adjective “slimy” (or adverb “slimily”) to your advantage. Use this with caution, and only as a last resort because it _will_ sever all ties…

    **I’m truly sorry it has to end, but you are slimy .
    **You continue to act slimily towards my other wife/girlfriend/mistress and that makes me very uncomfortable…

  23. Putting a full stop to dating, not answering her phone calls and text msgs will make her go.

    But be sure you have ‘discussed’ with her before that you both are not a good match or she will catch her ‘soul-mate’ in near future with saying that YOU ARE NOT HIS SOUL MATE!

    This is a prventive measure that you are not breaking his confidence and still in her intimacy list. whenever You get Your soulmate and she is a friend of hers, You will eat the fruit of this PREVENTIVE MEASURE!!!

    Win Hearts and keep them without breaking.

  24. What a guy really has to do is wait for a slip. if a girl says that she isnt happy (and expects you to change) take it like an insult and then she will take it as if she broke your heart but if you want to stay friends tell her that its ok and that she didnt break your heart that bad. hehe, masterbating to gay porn, brilliant. 😀

  25. I’ve found that always wanting sex is a good way to get rid of her, . But she could be just as unsatisfiable as you are.

  26. While doing her doggy, stop and say ” the smell is burning my eyes”. The following day complain of drippy and sore dick. No matter how clean she scrubs and washes, every advance is a turnoff and tell her, ” usually the truth hurts, but any truth were unwilling to look at is only a lie. My experience from what I just explained really happened. I didn’t have to ask her to leave,…she just did,….twenty minutes ago

  27. This is unbelievably well written break-up How-To. I have just dumped (like 2 hours ago) a girl after a 2-year relationship. I haven’t read the how-to before that, so I made a huge mistake by having sex with her. This gave her false hope and I am so f*ck*n’ sorry. She is a great girl but I lied to her for one night and after that – well she kicked the *** out of my door (there’s a hole). For the ones reading:
    1. do it in public during the day
    2. make sure you leave her no hope – I do not love you!!!
    3. no lies and do not prolong and wait for a “better” moment
    4. read the how-to and the comments one more time. experience does matter!!!

  28. if u have it in u to be a prick and make her the one to break up with u, then u have it in u to talk to her about it and move on. dont be a puss and make urself look like a fool

  29. Well right now im thinking of taking some of these tips but what i have been doing is working well—- Dont be you….. Now if she loves YOU then stop acting like YOU she will soon start to think you were putting on a false front, which will make her think your not the guy SHES looking for. Now you dont haave to change completely just do things that dont really set to well with her and soon you will be single and looking again

  30. Hi,

    I stop my extra-marital relationship after 3 months by going on vacation with my wife. Now she is mad, stalking, threatening, b/c I did not tell her that. I really love her, but underestimated her feelings. Now, I have to take care of and protect my three children and wife, they do not knwo, and It was my first and last affair. Any tips ?

  31. dont shower

    tell her that you think her sister is hot

    dont brush your teeth

    finger her and smell your fingers then ask her if she showered that morning

    “forget” your wallet at home on dates
    laugh at her tits during sex

    tell her that you noticed she is putting up alot of weight

    try to pick her nose

    tell her you smelt fish in the bed

    take a crap in her house and “forget” to flush it

    stick your hand in your pants then smell it

    befriend girls that she hates

    make a “video” of you and another girl then let her “by accidedentally” see it

    act like a child

    say your aunt has cancer and you need some time alone to think then never get back with her or talk to her

    tell her you are into scat (if you dont know what that is.. search it up and if she dont know what it is, show her the videos)

    all these worked for me.. try them..

  32. oh man, im 20 by the way
    iv got a girlfriend who is like glue

    1.allways needs sex ( i get home from work and she pounces on me then gets horny when all i want to do is sleep .on week ends more so.) .ps she doesnt have a job.)

    2.her friends are all trashy trash alround suck ppl who all they talk about is how much there boyfriends suck and V8 commerdors and fighting ppl or (my fav whos not married smokes and’s pregnant)

    3.(this is were i gets even worse) i live with her perants [nice enough ppl] and her

    4.all my friends hate her

    5.i have to relie on her to take me to work (my cars in the shop)

    6. she constanly needs money to go drinking with mates get pluckt or shaved or what ever wemon do with our money IM 20 WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO PAY FOR HER HYGIEN AND BEAUTY YARN why?.. i tell you why, if i dont pay for these things i end up with a gorrila walkin down the street with me.

    7.she cant cook

    8.she’s into absolutey nothing im into (ie. music, sport, type of movie, fav drink, fav ciggerate

    9.her friends all think low of me because i dont fight ppl or talk about cars and that i read in my spare time

    10. the ***** cant grasp the consept of what I HAVE TO SLEEP I HAVE WORK TOMOORROW menas.

    does any1 have any tips for me plzzzzzzzzzzz take into consideration all of what iv just said and ty for your time

  33. I don’t think that the ignoring her calls/advances/whatever will work. Chances are she’ll get even more clingy trying to get to the bottom of whatever it is that’s bothering you.
    Also, many people on this page have suggested various not-so-respectable (heh) things to do (like the farting and masturbating to gey porn). These will undoubtedly have her running from you like she’s being chased by a pack of wild dogs, but it’s also horribly damaging to your reputation. Y’all KNOW that girls gossip, and how. Especially if you aren’t together anymore, you can count on all her friends (and probably most of your other female friends too) knowing about whatever disgusting thing you did to drive her away, so don’t complain when your ex’s friend’s brother starts hitting on you.

    The best thing to do would be to become plain boring. When you’ll go out together, make sure that the conversation is dull, with lots of awkward pauses, and answer in monosyllables.
    When she does finally break up with you, and break up with you she will, make it seem like you, too, thought that the spark had gone out of your relationship (or something poetic like that). That way, you get rid of your girlfriend, your glistening reputation remains intact and, if you want, you can remain friends with her (and her friends, if you have mutual buddies). Make sure not to get close to her again. It’s much harder to lose the person the second time around.

    Trust me on this, I’m a girl.

  34. be honest with her. she’ll be pissed if she finds out you had to act or pretend you were on drugs to get rid if her. just say look. i dont want to be with you anymroe its over. or if your in a cute relationship just be like. im so sorry but its not fair to you that i look at other girls. they’ll be less hurt if your just honest.

  35. i have a girlfriend, we are almost 6 years now. i really love her, i’m happy with her, BUT, in exchange, i am sacrificing many things such as:
    1. i am not required to have a conversation with ANY girls
    2. i am not allowed to go to places where i can go alone (like internet cafe’s, gym, mall, etc..)
    3. well, there really many many more but, i will look like a ultra mega super loser you know. but seriously, there are more.

    i tried to break up with her, but guess what happened? she will commit suicide if we go on a break. (im serious, i was actually there when she points a knife on her stomach…)

    can you give me a tip regarding my problem?

  36. well i have not tip but i do need help. MY partner is obsessive and controling and its hard to get out of this relationship. He has all this dirt on me and i cant get out. because he will report the police and put me away and ruin the relationship between me and my family. So the only way he keeps me is threatning me. So i basically stuck!!! How the hell can I get out of this.

  37. alpha male, the only way you can get out of that relationship would be getting dirt on your partner. Then you would be even. Neither one of you would want to **** the other one off. If it is that serious then you need to come clean. Then he wouldn’t have anything to hold over your head.He knows what he is doing, that is why he keeps threatening you.

  38. I tried all of the above suggestions with no luck. Finally, I made a graph, posted it on the wall next to the scale with a pencil hanging on a string. She was required to weigh in twice a day as I watched and she then plotted her weight on the graph. If her plots did not meet with the unattainable and predetermined expectations as shown by the declining line on the graph, she got a look of disgust or whatever seemed just. After four and a half years of this routine, she finally got enough. I’m free!

  39. I tried everything **** even going with another girl nothing.But what did work was that i left to a “meeting” and she called and heard me with her friend, and now im single!

  40. Here’s what made me give up on someone I’ve known and loved for 30 years- within one week… he stood me up, didn’t wish me a happy birthday, didn’t say Merry Christmas, gave me a $25.00 WalMart gift card 2 days after Christmas when I gave him a thoughtful gift, told me that I shouldn’t ask his friend what was going on, got mad when I cried, told me that if I didn’t know, I didn’t need to know, didn’t spend New Year’s Eve with me.

    Just for the record, I spent New Year’s eve and the next day with his friend!

  41. I hope that =Lamb_Of_God= tired…so very tired has gotten out of that deal by now. If not, as long as you live with her parents, you are asking for whatever you get. You have the job and the money – MOVE OUT!!

  42. Be a man about it and Just tell them the truth and move on with your life. resorting to tricks,pranks, and lies lead me to believe you have no idea what love is to begin with.

  43. ok fellas what you need to do is call her best friend go out for some drinks and then go back to her place and start to fornicate lol but see while all this is taking place call your girl and tell her to come pick you up and that the door is open so while your ya know she walks in to your elaborate plan and she will eithr join in kill you or leave you

  44. just tell her that she doesnt know how to sex you right…or tell her that her sister has way more experience than her.

  45. Make a clean break, move on and delete all ph numbers, msgs photo’s etc of her. It’ll just make you want to call her on a drunken night out if you don’t.

  46. First
    Be really cruel to her, show her no affection.
    Tell her you want an orgy with her mum and dad.
    Simply pee on her breakfast while she watches.
    Exactly what i did.

  47. Just tell her the truth and be honest no matter what. Things like sleeping with her best friend are only going to hurt her, and take away the person that she needs to cry to most.

    Tell her it’s over, be there for her while she cries and don’t kick her out until she’s not crying so much that it’s unsafe for her to drive or anything. Help her pack her things. Give her a hug and let her know that you won’t be answering the phone if she calls because you’ll be out with the guys. And actually go out with the guys. And if the relationship was over a year long, wait for at least two months before publicly dating someone else.

  48. This all may work in some situations but I have a much diffrent problem. My girlfriend has lived with me for 1 1/2 year, she has 2 kids, one 5 and another 10, both are in school. She has no friends, nowhere to go, is working but can’t seam to hold down a job, poor with money. She is 30 and I am 46. I have tried everything, taken the blame, told her it was over in a rage arguement, in a cool discussion and she just don’t get it.

  49. i just want to do it with my girl now i dont want to date her…. i want to do it with her and other girls…. i dont know what to do. i like her but i like other girls better. what do i do. awwwwww!

  50. For God’s sake, the word is “lose”, not “loose”. “Loose” refers to a different kind of girl.

    The only place that you spelled it correctly was in the title of the Simon and Garfunkel song. And that wasn’t even right because the song is “Fifty Ways to LEAVE Your Lover.”

  51. I like the humor in some of the “tips”, they temporarilly make me forget the psychotic world i got captured in!!

    I have cheated… and nothing. treated her like crap, nothing. threaten to call DEA and child services on her… NOTHING. called the cops and claim her abuse and peace disturbance… nothing. Told her she is fat. Told her family and parents i don’t want her with me… nothing (except her parents hate me, shocking). Called her the “C” word and everything else that conjugates with, …still nothing! I broke up with her nicelly and vebally abuselly, even by text. SHE WON’T LEAVE!

    I even stop having intercourse or pleasing her. I can’t get rid of her.

    …then it hit me!…

    she is a woman, so there is an abundance of inconsideration, pitty, lazzyness, financial dependancy, opiate dependance, stubburness, lots and lots of drama, paranoya, complex of inferiority, masoquism, hallucigenic memmory, selfishness and mind blowing BJ’s!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ha!… my fellow man, we chased them to get some… why, ’cause we were determined. Those of us who can’t get rid of them is because we lost our determination.

    But I’m willing to swap my girl for yours anyday!.. (or should i say?.. night?)

    Good luck dudes!

  52. Here are 10 tested ways to get rid of that girlfriend who just won’t go away.

    1. go to prison on a 5-10 stint.
    2. Tell her your work is relocating you to Malaysia, and actually move to Malaysia.
    3. Let her find kiddie porn on your computer.
    4. Let her catch you having sex with another man. (this is the best one, because she won’t take it personally).
    5. Let her catch you having sex with the dog.
    6. Try to seduce her mother.
    7. Pick a fight with her father.
    8. Develop a gambling addiction and drain her bank account.
    9. Go on hormones and get a sex change operation.
    10. Beat her until she needs to be hospitalized.

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